Shelly

My friend Shelly died yesterday.

It was completely unexpected, like a sucker punch to the midsection, and I read the news while I sipped a perfect cup of coffee on a lovely fall day before I took my kids to school this morning. My response, after getting my breath back, was to let tears roll down my face until....well, they've still not completely stopped.

My husband referred to Shelly as my "not so imaginary" friend. I've known her for 10 years. TEN YEARS. I've only seen her in person once. I've sent Christmas cards for years, and chatted about everything from apples to Afghanistan with her...on the computer.

Here's what she taught me:

1. Live life just a little louder than you think you should.
2. Stand for something, passionately.
3. Forgive those who don't believe the same as you.
4. Pray - to whatever it is that you believe in.
5. Love as hard as you can, as often as you can, because you won't always get the chance to do it on your own terms.

I spoke to another "not so imaginary friend" today, because we are both so stunned. It was awkward to be so sad, and yet delighted that we finally spoke, and I for one, feel more determined than ever to find a opportunity to meet face to face.

To honor Shelly's memory, I plan to do just that.

Mom, not dear...

I do not want you in my life.

She snail mail bombed me again. I told David last week that I was afraid, really AFRAID that she would show up on our doorstep for Matthew's birthday this week. Matthew is her favorite, after all...David told me she wouldn't dare.

Then the mail arrived.

A package addressed to the kids, nothing for me. Gifts for them, along with a note and a request for letters...about how their summer is going, what they are doing. OUCH that HURTS!!!!!!

She doesn't give a fuck about me. Never has....unless it served a purpose for her own gain.

I am sobbing here, so upset I cannot believe the strength of emotions I am feeling right now.

You cannot have a relationship with my children without having a relationship with me. This is true in every single facet of my children's lives. I know their teachers, their coaches, their friends parents.....all of them. I do not send my children out without knowing where they are going and who they plan to see. Why does my mother think that she can have a relationship with my kids without attempting one with me?

I'm sooo done.

In defense of marriage

Divorce seems to be a popular topic these days.



A friend told me that another friend of ours had decided to divorce after 15 years of marriage. Then, I saw that one of my favorite writers, Vicki Iovine, is ending her marriage after 20+ years. To put the icing on the cake, I read an article about divorce and why the author thought that marriage was outdated and inappropriate for this day and age...How she had an affair, decided on divorce, and now lots of her friends are doing it too!

Because her "heart didn't lift anymore when he walked in the room" and she "didn't want to do the work to fall in love with him again".



Then I looked at my "not perfect at all " life, and my husband, and my heart lifted. See, I'm one of those people who loves being married. It's probably the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. Marriage is FANTASTIC. Where else can you find the one person who knows you well enough to call you on all your own crap? My hubby makes me better than I would be by myself...because I can't get away with all my delaying, bullshitting stuff.



The history we share....he is the only person I know (including family members) who has been around me this many years. He KNOWS me...and I KNOW him...yet there are still things about him to discover.



I don't understand the "single is better" approach. I don't understand the "my life is happier now that I've moved on from my 25 years of history with this person". What's so wrong with sticking it out thru the not so good times? I've learned so much by doing that, about myself and about the one I love....



It's so difficult to describe the deep emotional satisfaction that comes from knowing who I love and who loves me. I know who to call first, and who will be there when I get home at night. I know who to ask when I want sex. I like being able to tell from the tone of his voice or a quick look at his face what he's feeling. The shorthand of our life together is more like a dance than anything else.



Who else can I be this vulnerable with? When we argue, I always ask myself if I need to be right this time...and sometimes the answer is no.


So, why aren't there any articles celebrating the pleasures of long term commitment? What's so great about serial monogamy instead of actual monogamy?

Day 6, chatty me

Day 5 didn't coun't because I went to work. I had to finish up my end of fiscal year stuff. All done!!!

I've rearranged Hope's room and it looks great! She is happy with her full sized bed and new armoire. I put all of her clothes away this morning, and it looks like it should fit everything nicely. I had to find the right sized storage bins to use as "drawers" on the shelves. Makes it a whole lot easier for her to reach things in the back. Now I need to clear out the gigantic heap in my living room, and organize her toys. This is not going to be fun, but I will feel great when I am done.

DH has taken the boys to see Transformers 2. Hope and I will go get pedicures instead. Can I just bitch a minute and say that so far this morning I have made breakfast (omelets even!) for the whole family, planned the next three nights meals, grocery shopped, organized Hope's closet, done a load of laundry and run two other errands and I have no evidence that DH did anything other than watch the kids while I did it? I am going to be one aggravated woman if this keeps up!

I got a phone call from a friend yesterday. Seems Little League has COMPLETELY spiraled out of control. She needs me to come to court as a witness to get a restraining order against a Mom that offered to "throw down" at a recent game. Honestly? I don't get it....it's baseball for our KIDS...not some parental drama. Should be interesting. I don't know if I am inviting the crazy lady into my life by doing this though....worries me a bit, but not too much. I'll just tell the judge what I saw....

I keep thinking about my other friend who has so clearly dropped me. I wish I could just forget about her completely, but I see her often as I'm driving around town doing my errands. She always looks away if she notices me. I really don't want to be friends with someone who would treat a "friend" like this. I would rather confront and resolve the problem, but I can't see how it would resolve, just escalate. So I am trying to let it go....I wish I was better at it, or I lived in a bigger town where it wasn't in my face so much.

I'm on vacation...ya ya ya ya yeah!

Wow...six weeks in the summer.....

There is so much to do around here! I hope that I accomplish it all AND learn how to relax.

I need to deep clean the house, and find my husband a job, and play with my kids, and maybe take a road trip or two, and there's a wedding...but I'm not sure I'm going yet.

My brother sent me a letter. He actually apologized for his behaviour last year. While I accept his apology, the negative side of me thinks he only did it so that we would come to his son's wedding. And what's so wrong with that?

Now, if I could just sort out my Mom issues...but I really don't want to right now. Is it wrong of me to take as much time as I need? I can't even define clearly what all the problems are, nor which ones are most important to me. This is just gonna have to wait until I want to deal with it. Right now, it's good enough for me. OK?

Conquering the reformat...

I haven't had to do this in a while, but I managed to reformat one of my home computers successfully last night. Time consuming, but nothing I couldn't handle. Nice to know that I still have some technical skills.

Alureon.gen

MALWARE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two of my computers have been infected with alureon.gen.....and I really don't want to reformat them. I spoke with someone in India today that gave me a bunch of standard procedures (most of which I already followed) to try. The last one is running right now...here's hoping that it works, because otherwise, I will be reformatting.

Why is some hacker thinking that he is the coolest for creating crap like this? If you know him, kick his ass for me, would you?

Eating the Elephant...

"Mom, how do you eat an elephant?"
"I don't know honey, how DO you eat an elephant?
"One bite at a time...."

Outta the mouths of babes.....I mean...WOW. That is EXACTLY how to eat an elephant. Or solve a problem that seems elephant sized, even.

So, I'm keeping it in mind...the elephant, and the size of the bites I'm taking.

I love so many things about my life...my husband, my kids, the fact that I am working at a place that actually means something. The "elephant filet mignon" if you will...

There are other things I don't love...my kids education, my community, the state of many of my relationships. Let's just call this the "shank" for now.

But they are all part of the elephant. If I'm going to eat the elephant, I've got to find a way to make the less palatable parts a little more bearable. That way when someone asks me if I ate the elephant, I can honestly say "Yep, the whole thing!"

The Party's Over...

Wow!



I just reread the last 5 posts.



I still believe that I am right to stop the insanity. I know that I don't want to continue relationships that are unhealthy. I also know that unhealthy is "familiar" in more ways than one, and it's clear to me that part of me still wants to recreate what I already know.



I often wonder why I feel like I am "supposed" to do things for the sake of the family - Like let people get away with atrocious behaviour. One of the things that works best for DH and our family is that we insist that every family member treats one another with love and respect. The premise is that these are the people who you LOVE...they should be treated even better than you would treat a stranger, not worse!

So...aside from the occasional pity party (yes, I am allowed from time to time!)...I'm done with worrying about people who don't measure up. And I'm going to repeat the phrase "Really, it isn't me!" over and over again until I believe it.

I've been able to find and nurture some great relationships in my life, and some have failed, regardless of how much effort I put in to them.

I believe I will keep trying.

Do you like me?

Pity Party.....begin!

My life has changed.

I don't have a relationship with most of my siblings. My brother has not answered my request for an apology. My other brother has disappeared since my Mom moved in with him. While I've spoken with my sister, we're both avoiding the elephant that is my Mother in the room. I still don't miss my Mom, although my kids do, and that hurts.

My Dad and I have come full circle to a loving respectful relationship, based on each of our own strengths and weaknesses, not our stereotypes of each other.

My two closests friends are now closest to each other. I've been completely shut out of the loop, leaving me with ZERO female friends my age who live within a 75 mile radius.

My husband is still unemployed, and hasn't had any luck with interviews. If this continues, we will lose our house, and who knows what else. He is an amazing husband, father and friend, however, because I am so dependent on him right now, I am not willing to tell him all the things I wish he would do (spend more time job hunting, clean the house, spend less time with the TV, etc.) because I think that once I start criticizing, I won't be able to stop.

I'm exhausted and depressed. I'm afraid to call my girlfriends who DO live 100+ miles away because I need to verbally vomit on someone. I can't afford to lose any more human connections right now.

How did I end up so lonely? I'm a nice person, who cares about her friends. I don't give a shit about how much money someone has, just what their values are. My long-distance friends are some of the most kick-ass women I know....so why don't any of them live here?

Why can't I get over the pity party, and move on?

the answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind,,,

So, I ended up sending my brother an email. Don't know why I didn't think of it before.



I haven't heard from him, nor do I expect to. Slightly sad, but more liberating.



I feel like a hurricane....like every correct choice I make only adds to my strength. There are lots of issues to wade thru, but I may just be a Category 9 by the time I am done! It's like I forgot how "normal and sane" feels, and am as happy as a kid on the first day of summer vacation...nothing but possibilities ahead.

Matthew's LL team won their first game of the season tonight...and they beat the one team in the division that was "previously undefeated"...sweet!

Crazy, continued....

So...Mother's Day....

I'm actually at a place with my Mom where it doesn't hurt anymore...as a matter of fact, I am a bit proud of how easy it actually is, and how truly lovely it is to not have to take another adult into consideration over every single thing I do. I had no intention of trying to create chaos on Mother's Day. I am not willing to deal with my Mom, and I am more than OK with being in that place. I don't feel guilty or angry or sad...just ready to enjoy my first Mother's Day without having to share it.

Oh, but I did share it. My office's biggest non-profit fundraiser of the year takes place on Mother's Day. We hold a Strawberry Breakfast, with brunch on the President's Lawn of the college. I was asked to help, with comp time coming for hours I spent on Mother's Day. I am not particularly attached to May 10Th, so I agreed to do it. I was lucky enough to bring Joey with me as well.

We had a wonderful time. We woke up early, and snuck off to the donut shop for a treat beforehand. Then we worked together all morning, making cash drops, selling tickets, running to the store for extras...it was pretty tiring, but it was wonderful to be able to wish people a sincere "Happy Mother's Day!". When we finished, we came home and I got to lie on the couch and relax. David BBQ'd a nice dinner, and we just hung out.

Of course, my family is not without drama. I called my favorite Aunt to wish her a HMD, and left a voicemail. My phone rang in the morning, and I was surprised to see my long lost brother on Caller ID. Because I was working, I chose to ignore it. When I called David on my way home, he mentioned that my brother had called, but didn't bother to talk to David, only asked for me.
I thought I had dodged that bullet as I didn't really want a confrontational day, but no such luck.
He called again, in the afternoon, with a cheerful "Happy Mother's Day!" over the phone.

"Why are you calling me on Mother's Day?" I asked.
"Well, I haven't spoken to you in a long time, and it's Mother's Day, and I wanted to wish you a Happy Mother's Day", he said.
"The last time I spoke to you, things didn't go very well" I said.
"Well, the last time I spoke to you, I was upset about a lot of things, and I don't want to talk about that, I just want to wish you a Happy Mother's Day", he said.
"Well, when you do actually want to talk about "that", you call me back" I said, and hung up the phone.

Damn!!! You behave like an ASS the last time we spoke, and you call me on MOTHER'S DAY?!?!?!?! Like I'm supposed to take MY DAY to forgive your crappy behavior to me and my husband? Call me back when you are ready to act like a man and apologize! It really pissed me off, because I found myself wondering if I was actually wrong to be mad at him for doing it this way. But once again, I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE!

Why and how did I allow all these bloodsuckers in to my life and what makes them think it's OK to treat me like this? I am not exactly a doormat in any area of my life...why do they keep trying their crazy out on me?

As I pondered that thought, another good friend who lives too far away called me. She confirmed my non-craziness and just made me feel great about her and the other friends I have that comprise my "chosen family".

Can I exorcise the Crazy from my life? The possibility is tantalizing and scary. I used to think I HAD to deal with my family because otherwise I would be alone...but lately, I'm not lonely at all, and even if I was, it seems the better choice.

Crazy MOm

My life has been crazy lately.

Every time I start to write that sentence, I realize just how crazy that statement is. Compared to 90% of the worlds population, I'm doing JUST FINE. I'm feeling a lot of change, and emotional turmoil, and I can't stand it.

I finally got my wish and my mom moved out. Of course she did it in a way that pushed all my childhood abandonment buttons along with all of my mama lioness watching over her cubs buttons SIMULTANEOUSLY. Damn! It's amazing how upsetting it has been.

DH is unemployed, and my job does not make enough money to begin to cover our expenses. What a fantastic time for my mother to leave and take away the small but necessary amount of money she gave me each month. She also gave me only a day's notice...once again, financially leaving me in "panic" mode. She doesn't miss me a bit, she flat out stated that she wanted to get away from my kids (my WONDERFUL kids!), and I know my DH is not her favorite person in the world. So...I'm feeling rejection. Rejection that harks back to my childhood.....when she left me at my Aunt's house for a year with no notice, because she "was worried about your sister going off to college".

It's like the scales have finally fallen from my eyes and I can clearly see all the rejection episodes that I tried so hard not to notice before. I'm overwhelmed by the fact that my own mother doesn't seem to love me, and probably never really has. (seems like a leap, but there are lots of other stories I'm not gonna relive here) It hurts, but I'm no longer surprised by it. Her particular brand of "love" includes alienating her children from each other (a concept I thought only my Father in Law used- spooky eh?). So, I'm unable to talk to one brother (who she moved in with), the other brother isn't speaking to me over a ridiculous argument from last year (I can't do anything about that), and my sister doesn't want to talk about our Mom because she doesn't want to ruin the tenuous relationship that they currently have. So, in my deepest moments of self-pity, I'm an orphan too.

She simply left one morning after telling me about it the night before. My kids were justifiably confused and bereft. I haven't enjoyed cleaning up that little mess, or even attempting to explain that Grandma still loves them...because I can't sell the lie anymore. Can't you just hear me saying "Grandma only loves Grandma honey.... ". It's really sad because her moving in with me in the first place had to do with her not having a job, and me asking her to move in so that she could rebuild financially. Then she had an accident that took years to recover from and then....well once she was done using me, she left, didn't she?

Yep, it hurts, and this is a glorious place to wallow in it. I am so angry at myself for having her in my home for so long. I can't see anything good about her at all right now, and she thinks I'm being "ridiculous". Well, I'm not, I'm just being me. Love it or leave it. Wait...she already did.

Bucket List?

I do like to visit this place from time to time....it reminds me of where I was....and as my dear friend tells me, when she checks here she often wonders where I went too...

Wake up, mother, work, mother, eat, mother, sleep, repeat.....that's what I do these days. My soul is more satisfied than it has been in a long time. I enjoy the adult interaction at my job. I didn't even know I missed it until I got back to work. My relationships with my kids are more meaningful, because I have to be careful about what I focus on in our more limited time together.

I'm currently pondering the concept of quality vs. quantity....as in life experiences. Is is OK that I will never get thru my own personal "Bucket List"? What will Paris do if I don't actually eat a caramel macaron while standing in front of Laduree? Will I be satisfied with my life at the end if I know I was a good mom that never realized her dreams? or is my realization that being a good Mom is more than enough?

So maudlin, I'm stopping now...