Yup, that's me!
Since I last posted, I've splurged on some major purchases...
A new computer.
Because the old one managed to pick up a nasty virus AND blow up the mouse on the same day. Took me 24 hours to figure out that the mouse was blown as well, I had it figured that the virus would alter the driver somehow. Anyways, I made sure that I got a good deal, and didn't splurge on extras, just a machine that will last another 5 years.
DH's birthday.
He turned 40 this year. About 10 days before his birthday, the conversation went like this...
ME: Honey, your birthday is coming up, and I need a few hints on what you'd like...
DH: I dunno...
ME: Well, it is your 40th, and if you'd like anything special, I'll need more than a few days to organize things.
DH: Knowing you, you've had something planned for months....
ME: (SILENT SCREAM - I've got NOTHING! And apparently, he wants a big deal)
Of course, the memory of his 30th finally returns, he DID want a big deal then as well, so I planned a poker party with his buddies....cigars, beer, heartburn food, and they stayed up all night and had a blast. I'm gonna have to come up with something...
We live too far from his poker buddies to hold it here, and we have three children now, so that makes it totally impractical as well as being a "repeat". So, I thought about it, and realized that his secret wish is really to go to New Jersey, to see his sisters shore house. Of course, we didn't go to New Jersey in May because we need to stop spending so much money. I managed to convince myself that if we didn't take the kids, we would SAVE $1500 (HA!!!).
So I called SIL and we worked out a little surprise. I managed to handle child care, and buy the tickets, she got all the family together for a Saturday house party. I kept it a complete secret from him and HATED IT! DH and I always share big plans, and to not be able to talk about it with him was very stressful for me. I actually counted my Xanax, and determined that even if I had to take one every day before we left, I'd still have some left over (I did take one, the night I booked the tickets, but that's all). I told him I'd do all his packing, that we would go away on Friday after his birthday, and that all he had to do was be ready at 9:30am. I talked to his work, and made sure they were OK with it.
On Friday, he was ready at the appointed time. I put two carry-on bags in the back of the truck and we dropped Hope off at daycare. He "let" me drive the truck even! Apparently he thought we were headed to Tahoe or Reno, because when we passed the Tahoe turnoff, he smiled a smug little smile, and then when we passed the Reno turnoff, he looked genuinely confused. When I pulled into the airport, he couldn't stop asking questions. When I took him to JetBlue and told him where we were going, he was speechless, and then thrilled!!!!
I was so relieved, because I had worried that he might be mad. That maybe the gift was too big, or too expensive, or he shouldn't take time from his work or his Mom. No, he was just fine with it, grinning from ear to ear! We had a decent flight to JFK, then a long car ride to Jersey. It may come as a surprise to some people, but the Van Wyck is STILL under construction! (Ok, bad joke).
We went to SIL and BIL's house and had pasta and wine, and talked until about 1am. The next day, SIL and I left early to go to the shorehouse, while the guys waited for the babysitter. They stopped at Midway and had sausage and peppers, while we decorated the house. DH didn't know that there were 15 other family members waiting for him there. He was surprised when he walked in. Even though it rained all day and night, we had such a great time, laughing and just hanging out.
Our flight on Monday was totally whacked. I booked it thru America West and will never make that mistake again. The flight was late, we missed our connection, and ended up in Las Vegas at 2am (it was 98 degrees) with a voucher for the Airport HoJo's. What a pit! When we finally got to our room, the key worked, but a roach was running OUT of the room. I wish I could say it was the only insect I came across that night, but it wasn't even the only variety of bug. We took an 8am flight out of Vegas and after stopping for lunch, got home at around Noon, completely exhausted. I ended up napping on the couch most of the afternoon, with kids bouncing on me. I didn't even care....
The boys birthday party
Yep, I booked the bouncy waterslide, to the tune of $200 and invited 40 to the party. Looks like it will be closer to 20, but I actually considered being a "Costco Creep" and buying a waterslide there, knowing I would return it after the party. Ok, so I won't really, but I want too...it would save me $200.
I'm dreading paying bills this month, I haven't even looked at them. I will do it on Monday, I promise, but for now, I'm pretending that this isn't real money I'm spending.
7.02.2006
6.02.2006
Birthday Season is approaching fast....
My BIL hasn't called me back yet. I hate wasting time like this, and I'd love to tell him to go twist in the wind, but I can't. Ah well, patience is a virtue, right?
I'm really good at spending money. I'm also in charge of spending money at my house, other than DH's occasional extravagance. The last time DH spent was um....today. One hundred and fifty bucks at the fish store. I spent $50 at the mall buying shoes for my son....and I feel guilty???? Why????? Some lame bullshit about wanting to fix everything for everyone? We don't have money to support my husbands aquarium habit, yet, here we are, doing just that. Last week it was $800 special lights for the big tank. I'm buying my kid the one pair of shoes he will actually wear all summer, and I should feel guilty because they cost $50? Oh, and I did notice that I didn't even LOOK in the window at the women's shoes. Money wears on me. I worry and worry, and worry some more.
DH actually wanted to plan the boys birthday party with me, and of course, was all excited about the possibility of renting out the laser tag arena for the kids. I'm not in the mood to entertain 30 8 and 9 year olds, when half of them are likely to not show up after they've RSVP'd. I actually costed it out, with the rental and food, and we'd be in at over $600...and that's if we actually stuck to the budget! For one birthday party! I know its for two kids, but sheesh!
That's not what I want my kids to value. I want them to know they are loved, and they already know that. I don't need to spend lots of money, I just need to let them know that the day they were born is a very special day for all of us. So DH and I talked some more, about an "old fashioned" BBQ party with water games and hot dogs. When I asked the kids about it, they were wild with excitement....a party with friends and family...not the coolest technology, but still loads of fun. I may end up renting a waterslide bouncer, just because I'd love to see the look on their faces...
See how I get in to these messes?
I'm really good at spending money. I'm also in charge of spending money at my house, other than DH's occasional extravagance. The last time DH spent was um....today. One hundred and fifty bucks at the fish store. I spent $50 at the mall buying shoes for my son....and I feel guilty???? Why????? Some lame bullshit about wanting to fix everything for everyone? We don't have money to support my husbands aquarium habit, yet, here we are, doing just that. Last week it was $800 special lights for the big tank. I'm buying my kid the one pair of shoes he will actually wear all summer, and I should feel guilty because they cost $50? Oh, and I did notice that I didn't even LOOK in the window at the women's shoes. Money wears on me. I worry and worry, and worry some more.
DH actually wanted to plan the boys birthday party with me, and of course, was all excited about the possibility of renting out the laser tag arena for the kids. I'm not in the mood to entertain 30 8 and 9 year olds, when half of them are likely to not show up after they've RSVP'd. I actually costed it out, with the rental and food, and we'd be in at over $600...and that's if we actually stuck to the budget! For one birthday party! I know its for two kids, but sheesh!
That's not what I want my kids to value. I want them to know they are loved, and they already know that. I don't need to spend lots of money, I just need to let them know that the day they were born is a very special day for all of us. So DH and I talked some more, about an "old fashioned" BBQ party with water games and hot dogs. When I asked the kids about it, they were wild with excitement....a party with friends and family...not the coolest technology, but still loads of fun. I may end up renting a waterslide bouncer, just because I'd love to see the look on their faces...
See how I get in to these messes?
5.31.2006
Where have I been?
May is a wonderful month.
The kids were on break, and we spent a wonderful lazy month. We made it to the Zoo and the movies twice, and spent the rest of the time at home. HOME....because my Mom wasn't here most of the time. Then when she did come back, she took a freelance job that keeps her away from 5am to 7pm four days a week. I'm actually starting to like her again.
I have things to talk to her about, and she has things to add to the conversation. I can have my husband all to myself during the day when he is home, and there isn't someone interrupting the "flow" of my day. I feel so cruel when I express these thoughts, but still, I am convinced that my Mom shouldn't be here. If I could get her to leave without crushing her, I would.
Back to May...
Delicious! DH took two weeks off, and I got to sleep in until 8am almost every day. He was only going to take one week off, but I caught a nasty virus, so he took care of me and the kids until I was better. He is a sweetie. One of our business plans fell thru, and my BIL is full of promises on another (hopefully he'll get his act together soon!).
I decided I should be able to envision my perfect day. What I'd be doing, down to the smallest details. Here's what I've got so far:
Wake up at 7:45am
Read paper and have breakfast
Shower and take kids to school
Work until 1pm
Lunch with hubby
Errands
Pick up kids after school
Lessons/Activities with kids
Dinner at 6pm
Family time from 7-9pm
Husband time from 9-11pm
Bed
So now that I can see it, can I get there? Well, I'm really hoping that BIL comes thru with his plans to expand business and make me a part of it. I'll be working more than 9a-1p )more like 9a-9p for a while!) but if the money is as good as I'm hoping, DH will be able to find a different job, so that he will actually BE here during those times.
I really am fighting acceptance of the fact that I need to work, and that it probably won't ever be for enough money. I need to get over it quick though, before I end up in ruins. I'm really scared for us financially, because while I know I can support myself, I've never had to support the whole family or even one other person. DH isn't asking me to do that, but I think all these years home have softened me a bit. I don't think I really appreciate how much work goes into a paycheck anymore, and I do remember feeling poor while I made perfectly good money. I guess it's about control.
The kids were on break, and we spent a wonderful lazy month. We made it to the Zoo and the movies twice, and spent the rest of the time at home. HOME....because my Mom wasn't here most of the time. Then when she did come back, she took a freelance job that keeps her away from 5am to 7pm four days a week. I'm actually starting to like her again.
I have things to talk to her about, and she has things to add to the conversation. I can have my husband all to myself during the day when he is home, and there isn't someone interrupting the "flow" of my day. I feel so cruel when I express these thoughts, but still, I am convinced that my Mom shouldn't be here. If I could get her to leave without crushing her, I would.
Back to May...
Delicious! DH took two weeks off, and I got to sleep in until 8am almost every day. He was only going to take one week off, but I caught a nasty virus, so he took care of me and the kids until I was better. He is a sweetie. One of our business plans fell thru, and my BIL is full of promises on another (hopefully he'll get his act together soon!).
I decided I should be able to envision my perfect day. What I'd be doing, down to the smallest details. Here's what I've got so far:
Wake up at 7:45am
Read paper and have breakfast
Shower and take kids to school
Work until 1pm
Lunch with hubby
Errands
Pick up kids after school
Lessons/Activities with kids
Dinner at 6pm
Family time from 7-9pm
Husband time from 9-11pm
Bed
So now that I can see it, can I get there? Well, I'm really hoping that BIL comes thru with his plans to expand business and make me a part of it. I'll be working more than 9a-1p )more like 9a-9p for a while!) but if the money is as good as I'm hoping, DH will be able to find a different job, so that he will actually BE here during those times.
I really am fighting acceptance of the fact that I need to work, and that it probably won't ever be for enough money. I need to get over it quick though, before I end up in ruins. I'm really scared for us financially, because while I know I can support myself, I've never had to support the whole family or even one other person. DH isn't asking me to do that, but I think all these years home have softened me a bit. I don't think I really appreciate how much work goes into a paycheck anymore, and I do remember feeling poor while I made perfectly good money. I guess it's about control.
5.01.2006
Number One Son
My eight year old is extremely bright. He's also emotionally deep, and he'd do just about anything to please me. I'm ashamed to say that I know this, and know how to use it my advantage. He's a great kid, in spite of my parental manipulations.
Saturday was his first "real" sleepover. He's stayed with cousins or with his brother and sister at the babysitters, but never at a friend's house. His friend Cade invited his entire Little League team and half his 3rd grade class to a "Super Sleepover". It started at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
Joey packed his own suitcase, and I aired out a sleeping bag for him. He still sleeps with a special pillow (he calls it "Crunchy Pillow") and a blankee that my Mom made before he was born. The blankee is in rags, and isn't really allowed off his bed, because "it's too special". It doesn't go on vacations with us, but when Joey's had a bad day, he goes right to it. I explained that blankee wouldn't be going to the sleepover either, and he was OK with it. He made sure that Crunchy Pillow could pass muster though. It had a clean Spiderman pillowcase and didn't look one bit like a lovey.
I let him pack, and while I asked him about each item that he should include, I didn't double check it. I told him that we wouldn't even think of leaving until the clock struck two. We live about a 1/2 mile away, so lateness wasn't going to be an issue. I thought about all the sleepover "situations" I had in my past, and let him know that he could come home any time he wanted to, all he had to do was call. Even though he has them memorized, I wrote down our home number and my cell number, just in case.
It occurred to me that I was setting a negative tone, for all the things that might go wrong. So I began to chat up the positives, like getting to stay up late, and laughing and joking with friends. I only put one rule into place. If he chose to stay up really late, he wasn't going to be allowed to be rude or grumpy to his family when he came home the next day.
We got there, and they had a waterslide/bounce house set up in the backyard. We saw it as we approached the house. He forgot to bring his swimsuit!!! We quickly turned around and went home to get one....whew!!! I came with him to the door and went inside for a bit. While Cade's parents are nice enough, we're never gonna be best friends. I made sure that Joey was OK, and that the waterslide was safe enough for me, and said goodbye.
Hope and Matthew played together like angels the rest of the afternoon. At dinnertime, I started really missing Joey. I wanted him to have the time of his life, but I really missed him in the rhythm of the household. We had BBQ'd ribs and potato salad for dinner - two things that Joey doesn't like - and instead of enjoying it, I just missed him more. DH went to work that night, and by bedtime, Hope and Matthew decided to have a sleepover of their own. Matthew didn't want to be alone in his bedroom! Hope slept in Joey's bed.
I, for some reason, was restless and couldn't sleep. I stayed up until about 1:30, which is very unusual for me. Knowing Hope will be awake around 6am usually gets me into bed before midnight. The next morning, H & M were angels again....they were extra quiet, and got their own cereal for breakfast. I didn't hear a peep until 8am!
So the morning wait started. I wanted him to call when he was ready to come home. By 10:45, I couldn't wait any longer - I just needed to smell him! So I called, and told him I was on the way. He did have a great time, but he didn't get to sleep until about 1:30 because he couldn't get comfortable - he almost called home, but he thought it was too late. Little did he know, PsychicMom was on duty!
Anyways, I got my first taste of what life felt like without him, and I didn't like it much. He means so very much to me, my smart, funny boy. I hate to see him cross another milestone without even flinching.
Saturday was his first "real" sleepover. He's stayed with cousins or with his brother and sister at the babysitters, but never at a friend's house. His friend Cade invited his entire Little League team and half his 3rd grade class to a "Super Sleepover". It started at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
Joey packed his own suitcase, and I aired out a sleeping bag for him. He still sleeps with a special pillow (he calls it "Crunchy Pillow") and a blankee that my Mom made before he was born. The blankee is in rags, and isn't really allowed off his bed, because "it's too special". It doesn't go on vacations with us, but when Joey's had a bad day, he goes right to it. I explained that blankee wouldn't be going to the sleepover either, and he was OK with it. He made sure that Crunchy Pillow could pass muster though. It had a clean Spiderman pillowcase and didn't look one bit like a lovey.
I let him pack, and while I asked him about each item that he should include, I didn't double check it. I told him that we wouldn't even think of leaving until the clock struck two. We live about a 1/2 mile away, so lateness wasn't going to be an issue. I thought about all the sleepover "situations" I had in my past, and let him know that he could come home any time he wanted to, all he had to do was call. Even though he has them memorized, I wrote down our home number and my cell number, just in case.
It occurred to me that I was setting a negative tone, for all the things that might go wrong. So I began to chat up the positives, like getting to stay up late, and laughing and joking with friends. I only put one rule into place. If he chose to stay up really late, he wasn't going to be allowed to be rude or grumpy to his family when he came home the next day.
We got there, and they had a waterslide/bounce house set up in the backyard. We saw it as we approached the house. He forgot to bring his swimsuit!!! We quickly turned around and went home to get one....whew!!! I came with him to the door and went inside for a bit. While Cade's parents are nice enough, we're never gonna be best friends. I made sure that Joey was OK, and that the waterslide was safe enough for me, and said goodbye.
Hope and Matthew played together like angels the rest of the afternoon. At dinnertime, I started really missing Joey. I wanted him to have the time of his life, but I really missed him in the rhythm of the household. We had BBQ'd ribs and potato salad for dinner - two things that Joey doesn't like - and instead of enjoying it, I just missed him more. DH went to work that night, and by bedtime, Hope and Matthew decided to have a sleepover of their own. Matthew didn't want to be alone in his bedroom! Hope slept in Joey's bed.
I, for some reason, was restless and couldn't sleep. I stayed up until about 1:30, which is very unusual for me. Knowing Hope will be awake around 6am usually gets me into bed before midnight. The next morning, H & M were angels again....they were extra quiet, and got their own cereal for breakfast. I didn't hear a peep until 8am!
So the morning wait started. I wanted him to call when he was ready to come home. By 10:45, I couldn't wait any longer - I just needed to smell him! So I called, and told him I was on the way. He did have a great time, but he didn't get to sleep until about 1:30 because he couldn't get comfortable - he almost called home, but he thought it was too late. Little did he know, PsychicMom was on duty!
Anyways, I got my first taste of what life felt like without him, and I didn't like it much. He means so very much to me, my smart, funny boy. I hate to see him cross another milestone without even flinching.
4.28.2006
Sweatpants and secrets....
Why do people tell me these things?
The past week has included 3 separate discussions with three separate people about the state of their own (or their husbands)...ummmm....private bits. Yes, really. It's rather difficult to keep a straight face, but now you too can read about them. Please swallow now, and leave liquids in their cups until you've finished....
Saturday night, we had a couple over for dinner for the first time. They are very nice people and we are considering investing in a restaurant together. We discovered how many friends we have in common, even back to our childhoods. My husband made a new recipe, which was outstanding....http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2006/04/20/WIG73I9DS61.DTL&type=food. We discussed business ideas and a general timeline. The evening was a smashing success, and no wine was involved. So, why did the husband insist on regaling us with his first paintball experience?
Yes "Lefty", as I'll call him from this day forward, played paintball for the first time wearing commando sweatpants. Yup, he got shot in the groin area. Wanna guess where? Amazing after a wonderful relaxing meal with new friends that THIS is the memory I take away, eh?
Then, on Tuesday, was at the grocery store. I ran into a work buddy of my husbands in line. He had, like, 10 bags of frozen peas. I noticed them, but I DID NOT ASK. Yet, mere moments later, he explained that he had a vasectomy done two days prior, and still had some swelling. Um....Do I really need to know this? I murmured a few kind words, and almost....almost offered to share my own limited post operative experiences with my husband, but I didn't. I know the cashier almost said something, but we shared a wink and managed not to burst out laughing. I completely lost it when I told DH about it later though. HE was sympathetic. Something about solidarity among men or something....
Thursday? Well, I was helping a good friend. Included in that, I picked up her son and took him to baseball practice with my kids. But first....I had to hear another groin tale. Once again, I did nothing to earn the right to such information....I knew my friend was going to the airport to pick up her Mother. I just asked where her husband was that night, thinking business trip, or company dinner, or whatever....turns out that he was "indisposed" too....
They went on a family trip last week, and returned Sunday night. Her hubby grabbed a pair of sweatpants (it's always sweatpants, isn't it?) from the closet floor when they got home. On Monday, things were a bit tender in the nether regions. By Tuesday, he was swearing that the redness and swelling were not the results of an STD given to him by God-knows-who and he accepted his fate and went to the Doctor. On Wednesday the doc proclaimed he had a nasty case of poison oak, which must have come from the sweatpants that were never washed at the end of duck hunting season. Being a man, he's been on pain pills for the last three days.
While I smiled and made "poor man" sounds while the story was being told, imagine my delight, when at 8pm, he showed up at my door to pick up his son. I did glance down, but I don't think he caught me doing it...I can't have him thinking I'm a pervert, can I? I started to tell DH the story after he left, but he was just amazed that I had so many conversations about other mens genitals, that we both fell into fits of laughter.
The past week has included 3 separate discussions with three separate people about the state of their own (or their husbands)...ummmm....private bits. Yes, really. It's rather difficult to keep a straight face, but now you too can read about them. Please swallow now, and leave liquids in their cups until you've finished....
Saturday night, we had a couple over for dinner for the first time. They are very nice people and we are considering investing in a restaurant together. We discovered how many friends we have in common, even back to our childhoods. My husband made a new recipe, which was outstanding....http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2006/04/20/WIG73I9DS61.DTL&type=food. We discussed business ideas and a general timeline. The evening was a smashing success, and no wine was involved. So, why did the husband insist on regaling us with his first paintball experience?
Yes "Lefty", as I'll call him from this day forward, played paintball for the first time wearing commando sweatpants. Yup, he got shot in the groin area. Wanna guess where? Amazing after a wonderful relaxing meal with new friends that THIS is the memory I take away, eh?
Then, on Tuesday, was at the grocery store. I ran into a work buddy of my husbands in line. He had, like, 10 bags of frozen peas. I noticed them, but I DID NOT ASK. Yet, mere moments later, he explained that he had a vasectomy done two days prior, and still had some swelling. Um....Do I really need to know this? I murmured a few kind words, and almost....almost offered to share my own limited post operative experiences with my husband, but I didn't. I know the cashier almost said something, but we shared a wink and managed not to burst out laughing. I completely lost it when I told DH about it later though. HE was sympathetic. Something about solidarity among men or something....
Thursday? Well, I was helping a good friend. Included in that, I picked up her son and took him to baseball practice with my kids. But first....I had to hear another groin tale. Once again, I did nothing to earn the right to such information....I knew my friend was going to the airport to pick up her Mother. I just asked where her husband was that night, thinking business trip, or company dinner, or whatever....turns out that he was "indisposed" too....
They went on a family trip last week, and returned Sunday night. Her hubby grabbed a pair of sweatpants (it's always sweatpants, isn't it?) from the closet floor when they got home. On Monday, things were a bit tender in the nether regions. By Tuesday, he was swearing that the redness and swelling were not the results of an STD given to him by God-knows-who and he accepted his fate and went to the Doctor. On Wednesday the doc proclaimed he had a nasty case of poison oak, which must have come from the sweatpants that were never washed at the end of duck hunting season. Being a man, he's been on pain pills for the last three days.
While I smiled and made "poor man" sounds while the story was being told, imagine my delight, when at 8pm, he showed up at my door to pick up his son. I did glance down, but I don't think he caught me doing it...I can't have him thinking I'm a pervert, can I? I started to tell DH the story after he left, but he was just amazed that I had so many conversations about other mens genitals, that we both fell into fits of laughter.
4.25.2006
Caffeine overload...
My friend LOVES coffee....Me? not so much....
I mean, I do like coffee, but I don't drink it everyday. I tend to splurge every once in a while on a latte, but ordinarily, the caffeine is too much. Zoe, however, drinks espresso by the gallon.
She bought her husband a very spendy cappuccino machine for Christmas. I really, REALLY appreciated the caramel machiato last Saturday morning when the Little League game started at 8am. However, I'm not thrilled with the one she handed me today, at a 5pm practice. Why? Because I'm gonna be up all night! I really should have said something, but it was already made, unasked for, etc. I wanted to be "nice", and now I'm either gonna have to medicate myself or look like a hag tomorrow.
Tomorrow I go to the dentist to have a crown "adjusted". Actually my dentist (that I adore) did a shitty job on the crown, so now every kind of debris gets stuck there. (Disgusting, I know.) It has made me floss more often, but still.....It's kinda pathetic that I'm looking forward to this. See, I'll get probably 4 hours away from the house and kids, and I'm secretly thrilled. My dentist happens to be in the Big City, the one where I lived before I got married and had kids, so there are lots of good memories, and all of them are selfish ones! I'll probably drive past my old apartment, and maybe have lunch near my old job....and just maybe I'll run into someone I used to know.
More likely, I'll be frustrated with parking and drivers, and leave early, just to get out of the congestion! Still, it's nice to "visit" the life I used to have, knowing that I'm not ever going to be that person again, but that she's part of me.
I mean, I do like coffee, but I don't drink it everyday. I tend to splurge every once in a while on a latte, but ordinarily, the caffeine is too much. Zoe, however, drinks espresso by the gallon.
She bought her husband a very spendy cappuccino machine for Christmas. I really, REALLY appreciated the caramel machiato last Saturday morning when the Little League game started at 8am. However, I'm not thrilled with the one she handed me today, at a 5pm practice. Why? Because I'm gonna be up all night! I really should have said something, but it was already made, unasked for, etc. I wanted to be "nice", and now I'm either gonna have to medicate myself or look like a hag tomorrow.
Tomorrow I go to the dentist to have a crown "adjusted". Actually my dentist (that I adore) did a shitty job on the crown, so now every kind of debris gets stuck there. (Disgusting, I know.) It has made me floss more often, but still.....It's kinda pathetic that I'm looking forward to this. See, I'll get probably 4 hours away from the house and kids, and I'm secretly thrilled. My dentist happens to be in the Big City, the one where I lived before I got married and had kids, so there are lots of good memories, and all of them are selfish ones! I'll probably drive past my old apartment, and maybe have lunch near my old job....and just maybe I'll run into someone I used to know.
More likely, I'll be frustrated with parking and drivers, and leave early, just to get out of the congestion! Still, it's nice to "visit" the life I used to have, knowing that I'm not ever going to be that person again, but that she's part of me.
4.24.2006
16 days....
Ok, so it's been awhile....I've been busy.
Mom's been out of state for three weeks now, helping my niece, who doesn't understand the whole concept of "getting better". Of course, no one makes her move her muscles, so her rehab is going to take a while. I could go on an on about it, but I'll just piss somebody off....so.....
It's been nice having her gone. I'm getting things done around here, and feeling confident and in control. I've actually noticed my self esteem grow daily without having certain people around second guessing me, or worrying about what they might think. Perhaps I should take that lesson and apply it when "certain people" are actually around, eh? I'm telling you, I grow more brilliant by the day! LOL!!!
His Mom: DH is finding it tough to deal with her, because she won't do much to help herself. Still, he tries his best, and it seems to make him appreciate all he has at home. I know my turn with parental health issues is coming, and I'm not looking forward to it either.
The kids: The boys month long school break starts tomorrow. They are excited, yet disappointed that there is no "big" vacation this time. Well, vacations cost money, and I'm not feeling really rich these days.
I want so much for DH to leave his current job, and we've found a few business opportunities. If we buy a small business, I'd love to take a week off before we take over, but I cannot feel good about heaping up debt right now, until we have a brighter future to look towards. I should really go and get a job, but I'm a bit scared. One of the toughest transitions of my life was from middle management to Stay at Home Mom. How the hell do I go back to what I was then, and reconcile it with motherhood? I found the two to be incompatible in the past...and what will it do to my kids? (Of course, the alternative, what will being poorer than I'm willing to be do to my kids?)
Pondering....
Mom's been out of state for three weeks now, helping my niece, who doesn't understand the whole concept of "getting better". Of course, no one makes her move her muscles, so her rehab is going to take a while. I could go on an on about it, but I'll just piss somebody off....so.....
It's been nice having her gone. I'm getting things done around here, and feeling confident and in control. I've actually noticed my self esteem grow daily without having certain people around second guessing me, or worrying about what they might think. Perhaps I should take that lesson and apply it when "certain people" are actually around, eh? I'm telling you, I grow more brilliant by the day! LOL!!!
His Mom: DH is finding it tough to deal with her, because she won't do much to help herself. Still, he tries his best, and it seems to make him appreciate all he has at home. I know my turn with parental health issues is coming, and I'm not looking forward to it either.
The kids: The boys month long school break starts tomorrow. They are excited, yet disappointed that there is no "big" vacation this time. Well, vacations cost money, and I'm not feeling really rich these days.
I want so much for DH to leave his current job, and we've found a few business opportunities. If we buy a small business, I'd love to take a week off before we take over, but I cannot feel good about heaping up debt right now, until we have a brighter future to look towards. I should really go and get a job, but I'm a bit scared. One of the toughest transitions of my life was from middle management to Stay at Home Mom. How the hell do I go back to what I was then, and reconcile it with motherhood? I found the two to be incompatible in the past...and what will it do to my kids? (Of course, the alternative, what will being poorer than I'm willing to be do to my kids?)
Pondering....
4.11.2006
My Xanax couch....
I did see the doctor. Well, not MY doctor, because he's out of town right now, but A doctor. He seemed to think that "taking time for you" was a good idea. When I laughed at him, I think I crossed the line into maniacal laughter, because he finally started listening to what I had to say.
I told him that I am probably one of the more "self aware" patients he's likely to come across in this setting, and that the reason why I was in his office was because while pedicures and "remembering to breathe" are useful, they are NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW. Finally he coughed up some short term happy pills, and a follow up with my regular doc next month. Yipee!!! Just knowing that I have an extra bit of ammo in my arsenal helps a great deal. I've only taken two of the pills, and I have no intention of using them all up anytime soon. They're like my secret stash for when the world gets to be too much.
I happen to live in the part of California that is under flood watch. My own home is a bit too far away from the river to be threatened, but lots of other townsfolk are concerned. One homeowner is building a berm around her home as she was flooded out about 5 years back. As she said "No one's laughing at me"....DH and I went to run some errands in the next town over, and drove across the river. It's high, alright, but it isn't overflowing. It was slightly reassuring to see all the levees and fill ponds between our home and the river, looking nice and empty so far. Of course, the trailer park is under water...figures.
We seem to have MIL worked out so far. I've pretty much resigned my duties, other than as a supportive, loving spouse. I'm gonna make it as easy as possible for DH to be there and help his mom, but I'm not doing any heavy lifting. It just isn't good for me. That said, I did some shopping: purchased a safe shower bench, the aforementioned microwave, and went on the 'net to purchase her "missing" birth certificate. I'm very helpful, aren't I? DH spent Monday with her, doing shopping and chores, and his Aunt (her sister) will fill in for the rest of the week. DH will try to get back there on Sunday or Monday.
After DH and I patched things up on Friday, an angel of mercy must have thumped him on the head! He turned back into the most supportive, caring guy anyone would ever have the chance to meet. I fondly remember him behaving this way all the time, prior to about 6 months ago. Apparently, he's back, and welcomed by me with open arms! Makes me notice all the little things I appreciate about him when he's doing the same for me. We're just basking in co-appreciation. It really does help things, and I think he likes it just as much as I do. Makes it kinda worth the low point last week (well, almost - I hate getting that upset!)
The kids are OK. I've got a surly 8 year old, a kinestetic 7 year old (meet with his pedi tomorrow) and a 4 year old with a nagging cough. We're trying new allergy meds for Hope and I'm interested to see what the doc has to say about Matthew. I'm NOT putting him on any meds besides his asthma ones. We're a prescription filled family right now. The boys laid in bed and talked until 10pm tonight. Normal bedtime is 8:30, and I'm not looking forward to all the crankiness tomorrow. I'd better rest up myself.
I told him that I am probably one of the more "self aware" patients he's likely to come across in this setting, and that the reason why I was in his office was because while pedicures and "remembering to breathe" are useful, they are NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW. Finally he coughed up some short term happy pills, and a follow up with my regular doc next month. Yipee!!! Just knowing that I have an extra bit of ammo in my arsenal helps a great deal. I've only taken two of the pills, and I have no intention of using them all up anytime soon. They're like my secret stash for when the world gets to be too much.
I happen to live in the part of California that is under flood watch. My own home is a bit too far away from the river to be threatened, but lots of other townsfolk are concerned. One homeowner is building a berm around her home as she was flooded out about 5 years back. As she said "No one's laughing at me"....DH and I went to run some errands in the next town over, and drove across the river. It's high, alright, but it isn't overflowing. It was slightly reassuring to see all the levees and fill ponds between our home and the river, looking nice and empty so far. Of course, the trailer park is under water...figures.
We seem to have MIL worked out so far. I've pretty much resigned my duties, other than as a supportive, loving spouse. I'm gonna make it as easy as possible for DH to be there and help his mom, but I'm not doing any heavy lifting. It just isn't good for me. That said, I did some shopping: purchased a safe shower bench, the aforementioned microwave, and went on the 'net to purchase her "missing" birth certificate. I'm very helpful, aren't I? DH spent Monday with her, doing shopping and chores, and his Aunt (her sister) will fill in for the rest of the week. DH will try to get back there on Sunday or Monday.
After DH and I patched things up on Friday, an angel of mercy must have thumped him on the head! He turned back into the most supportive, caring guy anyone would ever have the chance to meet. I fondly remember him behaving this way all the time, prior to about 6 months ago. Apparently, he's back, and welcomed by me with open arms! Makes me notice all the little things I appreciate about him when he's doing the same for me. We're just basking in co-appreciation. It really does help things, and I think he likes it just as much as I do. Makes it kinda worth the low point last week (well, almost - I hate getting that upset!)
The kids are OK. I've got a surly 8 year old, a kinestetic 7 year old (meet with his pedi tomorrow) and a 4 year old with a nagging cough. We're trying new allergy meds for Hope and I'm interested to see what the doc has to say about Matthew. I'm NOT putting him on any meds besides his asthma ones. We're a prescription filled family right now. The boys laid in bed and talked until 10pm tonight. Normal bedtime is 8:30, and I'm not looking forward to all the crankiness tomorrow. I'd better rest up myself.
4.07.2006
She's after me now...
I think I said I wanted to call Karma something last week. She's after me now...
Mom came home. It's pouring like it's 1997, and my MIL is a major project. My husband is better, but doesn't seem to understand that there is work to be done here! I feel underappreciated and unloved and the last time I helped an in-law who was sick, I was accused by one of his relatives of stealing money (he had none) while they couldn't be bothered to even call to check on his welfare while he was alive. I don't want to do this again, yet everyone around her is complete incompetent. Is that really their problem or am I some kind of dysfunctional control freak?
Yesterday, I spent the day at MIL's apartment, looking for her birth certificate. Of course it wasn't there. I then visited her in the hospital and found out what services she is eligible for. Good enough. Then we had a heart to heart where she admitted she is older than she's ever told anyone before, and I tried to make a plan for her to live at home which is what she says she wants. It's not a good idea, but it is her decision. I bought her a microwave and started looking for a shower chair. I couldn't find the chair, but I set up the microwave in her apartment and paid a bill for her. I sat in 2+ hours of traffic, trying to get home, realizing that someone will need to check on her every few days...and damn! I cannot possibly do this!
I asked DH to do one thing for me while I spent the day helping his mother, and he didn't do it. He had a million reasons why, but none of them are good enough. He just doesn't get how important it was for me to feel like he had me covered for a change. So we fought. At 2am, when he got home from work. I didn't sleep much last night, because after falling into bed around 11pm, Hope woke up with bad dreams at 1:45, 2:30 and 330am. I was angry at DH and my anxiety level was to the moon! By 7:30 this morning, I felt and looked like hell on a stick.
I ended up going back to bed at 10 and dozed until Noon. Then we fought some more. Here's the part where my mom comes in. See, she "overheard the whole thing" and has decided that my husband is an ass. While I agree that he is acting like one at the moment, this is none of her goddamned business. She's in tears because he's upsetting her. I really don't have time to take care of her feelings, I've got a few of my own, and if I have to make nice so I don't upset her....well....if you haven't guessed yet, I'm BEYOND the breaking point. Mom didn't get what she thought she needed from me today. Oh well.....Mom's solution was to take off to visit my sister and her daughter "to help" for a few weeks. Fine by me....
DH and I did eventually work it out, but not until after I completely lost it. I mean I was A N G R Y and said some hateful things. I basically emotionally vomited all over him, I sounded like the worst shrew in the world. And I love him....I really do. Sometimes the pressure of my life gets so overwhelming, and I need him to be understanding, and I got defensiveness from him. I wish he could understand me better so that I didn't get to the point I did today. It sucks for both of us. Anyways, we did patch it up and both resolved to do better next time.
I called the doc and made an appointment to discuss anxiety issues. I'm babysitting my neighbors kids tonight, and DH is at work. Maybe I'll sleep tonight, and DH and I can have a fresh start tomorrow.
Mom came home. It's pouring like it's 1997, and my MIL is a major project. My husband is better, but doesn't seem to understand that there is work to be done here! I feel underappreciated and unloved and the last time I helped an in-law who was sick, I was accused by one of his relatives of stealing money (he had none) while they couldn't be bothered to even call to check on his welfare while he was alive. I don't want to do this again, yet everyone around her is complete incompetent. Is that really their problem or am I some kind of dysfunctional control freak?
Yesterday, I spent the day at MIL's apartment, looking for her birth certificate. Of course it wasn't there. I then visited her in the hospital and found out what services she is eligible for. Good enough. Then we had a heart to heart where she admitted she is older than she's ever told anyone before, and I tried to make a plan for her to live at home which is what she says she wants. It's not a good idea, but it is her decision. I bought her a microwave and started looking for a shower chair. I couldn't find the chair, but I set up the microwave in her apartment and paid a bill for her. I sat in 2+ hours of traffic, trying to get home, realizing that someone will need to check on her every few days...and damn! I cannot possibly do this!
I asked DH to do one thing for me while I spent the day helping his mother, and he didn't do it. He had a million reasons why, but none of them are good enough. He just doesn't get how important it was for me to feel like he had me covered for a change. So we fought. At 2am, when he got home from work. I didn't sleep much last night, because after falling into bed around 11pm, Hope woke up with bad dreams at 1:45, 2:30 and 330am. I was angry at DH and my anxiety level was to the moon! By 7:30 this morning, I felt and looked like hell on a stick.
I ended up going back to bed at 10 and dozed until Noon. Then we fought some more. Here's the part where my mom comes in. See, she "overheard the whole thing" and has decided that my husband is an ass. While I agree that he is acting like one at the moment, this is none of her goddamned business. She's in tears because he's upsetting her. I really don't have time to take care of her feelings, I've got a few of my own, and if I have to make nice so I don't upset her....well....if you haven't guessed yet, I'm BEYOND the breaking point. Mom didn't get what she thought she needed from me today. Oh well.....Mom's solution was to take off to visit my sister and her daughter "to help" for a few weeks. Fine by me....
DH and I did eventually work it out, but not until after I completely lost it. I mean I was A N G R Y and said some hateful things. I basically emotionally vomited all over him, I sounded like the worst shrew in the world. And I love him....I really do. Sometimes the pressure of my life gets so overwhelming, and I need him to be understanding, and I got defensiveness from him. I wish he could understand me better so that I didn't get to the point I did today. It sucks for both of us. Anyways, we did patch it up and both resolved to do better next time.
I called the doc and made an appointment to discuss anxiety issues. I'm babysitting my neighbors kids tonight, and DH is at work. Maybe I'll sleep tonight, and DH and I can have a fresh start tomorrow.
4.03.2006
Karma and the week I had...
Karma is....well, it's something derogatory. I can't quite find the word, but I will.
So my Mom finally left me alone, and all hell broke loose last week.
1. DH was very very ill. He went to the doc 3 times and included an emergency room visit. He's feeling much better now, but he was scaring the crap outta me! He was in tremendous pain, and I really felt how limited my support system is. I'm very very happy that he is A-OK now.
2. DH's mother tripped and fell. She broke her shoulder and foot. Now the agonizing process of healing begins, and I get to hand-hold her and DH thru Social Security/Disability/Medicare and Medi-Cal....that is if said MIL can actually fess up to her real age. She's somewhere between 59 and 65.....
3. My niece was apparently very sick as well. She had an abscess in the muscles in her hip socket, which got infected with staph bacteria. She spent 10 days in the hospital, and just now got home. While my sister and her entire family LOVE drama, this was probably a great deal more than they bargained for. With my Mom out of the country and me thoroughly distracted by my own crisis...I'm not sure if they've wrung all the family drama out of their systems yet. We'll see...
4. Some jerk broke into my car, and took a LOT of my stuff. I didn't even realize just how much I had in there....and I'm not real thrilled with having to replace it all. The pain of explaining to my children why their baseball gloves were missing for their first Little League game was bad enough....
So Karma....I've had enough please. Lemme get my balance back, and I'll do some good stuff, ok? I didn't even really complain as much as I wanted to, doesn't that count for something? Oh, don't forget that I'm grateful that most of this stuff didn't actually happen to me, just affected me in a not-so-positive way.
While I'm at it, can you make it stop raining, please?
So my Mom finally left me alone, and all hell broke loose last week.
1. DH was very very ill. He went to the doc 3 times and included an emergency room visit. He's feeling much better now, but he was scaring the crap outta me! He was in tremendous pain, and I really felt how limited my support system is. I'm very very happy that he is A-OK now.
2. DH's mother tripped and fell. She broke her shoulder and foot. Now the agonizing process of healing begins, and I get to hand-hold her and DH thru Social Security/Disability/Medicare and Medi-Cal....that is if said MIL can actually fess up to her real age. She's somewhere between 59 and 65.....
3. My niece was apparently very sick as well. She had an abscess in the muscles in her hip socket, which got infected with staph bacteria. She spent 10 days in the hospital, and just now got home. While my sister and her entire family LOVE drama, this was probably a great deal more than they bargained for. With my Mom out of the country and me thoroughly distracted by my own crisis...I'm not sure if they've wrung all the family drama out of their systems yet. We'll see...
4. Some jerk broke into my car, and took a LOT of my stuff. I didn't even realize just how much I had in there....and I'm not real thrilled with having to replace it all. The pain of explaining to my children why their baseball gloves were missing for their first Little League game was bad enough....
So Karma....I've had enough please. Lemme get my balance back, and I'll do some good stuff, ok? I didn't even really complain as much as I wanted to, doesn't that count for something? Oh, don't forget that I'm grateful that most of this stuff didn't actually happen to me, just affected me in a not-so-positive way.
While I'm at it, can you make it stop raining, please?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
