Where have I been?

May is a wonderful month.

The kids were on break, and we spent a wonderful lazy month. We made it to the Zoo and the movies twice, and spent the rest of the time at home. HOME....because my Mom wasn't here most of the time. Then when she did come back, she took a freelance job that keeps her away from 5am to 7pm four days a week. I'm actually starting to like her again.

I have things to talk to her about, and she has things to add to the conversation. I can have my husband all to myself during the day when he is home, and there isn't someone interrupting the "flow" of my day. I feel so cruel when I express these thoughts, but still, I am convinced that my Mom shouldn't be here. If I could get her to leave without crushing her, I would.

Back to May...

Delicious! DH took two weeks off, and I got to sleep in until 8am almost every day. He was only going to take one week off, but I caught a nasty virus, so he took care of me and the kids until I was better. He is a sweetie. One of our business plans fell thru, and my BIL is full of promises on another (hopefully he'll get his act together soon!).

I decided I should be able to envision my perfect day. What I'd be doing, down to the smallest details. Here's what I've got so far:

Wake up at 7:45am
Read paper and have breakfast
Shower and take kids to school
Work until 1pm
Lunch with hubby
Errands
Pick up kids after school
Lessons/Activities with kids
Dinner at 6pm
Family time from 7-9pm
Husband time from 9-11pm
Bed

So now that I can see it, can I get there? Well, I'm really hoping that BIL comes thru with his plans to expand business and make me a part of it. I'll be working more than 9a-1p )more like 9a-9p for a while!) but if the money is as good as I'm hoping, DH will be able to find a different job, so that he will actually BE here during those times.

I really am fighting acceptance of the fact that I need to work, and that it probably won't ever be for enough money. I need to get over it quick though, before I end up in ruins. I'm really scared for us financially, because while I know I can support myself, I've never had to support the whole family or even one other person. DH isn't asking me to do that, but I think all these years home have softened me a bit. I don't think I really appreciate how much work goes into a paycheck anymore, and I do remember feeling poor while I made perfectly good money. I guess it's about control.