She's after me now...

I think I said I wanted to call Karma something last week. She's after me now...

Mom came home. It's pouring like it's 1997, and my MIL is a major project. My husband is better, but doesn't seem to understand that there is work to be done here! I feel underappreciated and unloved and the last time I helped an in-law who was sick, I was accused by one of his relatives of stealing money (he had none) while they couldn't be bothered to even call to check on his welfare while he was alive. I don't want to do this again, yet everyone around her is complete incompetent. Is that really their problem or am I some kind of dysfunctional control freak?

Yesterday, I spent the day at MIL's apartment, looking for her birth certificate. Of course it wasn't there. I then visited her in the hospital and found out what services she is eligible for. Good enough. Then we had a heart to heart where she admitted she is older than she's ever told anyone before, and I tried to make a plan for her to live at home which is what she says she wants. It's not a good idea, but it is her decision. I bought her a microwave and started looking for a shower chair. I couldn't find the chair, but I set up the microwave in her apartment and paid a bill for her. I sat in 2+ hours of traffic, trying to get home, realizing that someone will need to check on her every few days...and damn! I cannot possibly do this!

I asked DH to do one thing for me while I spent the day helping his mother, and he didn't do it. He had a million reasons why, but none of them are good enough. He just doesn't get how important it was for me to feel like he had me covered for a change. So we fought. At 2am, when he got home from work. I didn't sleep much last night, because after falling into bed around 11pm, Hope woke up with bad dreams at 1:45, 2:30 and 330am. I was angry at DH and my anxiety level was to the moon! By 7:30 this morning, I felt and looked like hell on a stick.

I ended up going back to bed at 10 and dozed until Noon. Then we fought some more. Here's the part where my mom comes in. See, she "overheard the whole thing" and has decided that my husband is an ass. While I agree that he is acting like one at the moment, this is none of her goddamned business. She's in tears because he's upsetting her. I really don't have time to take care of her feelings, I've got a few of my own, and if I have to make nice so I don't upset her....well....if you haven't guessed yet, I'm BEYOND the breaking point. Mom didn't get what she thought she needed from me today. Oh well.....Mom's solution was to take off to visit my sister and her daughter "to help" for a few weeks. Fine by me....

DH and I did eventually work it out, but not until after I completely lost it. I mean I was A N G R Y and said some hateful things. I basically emotionally vomited all over him, I sounded like the worst shrew in the world. And I love him....I really do. Sometimes the pressure of my life gets so overwhelming, and I need him to be understanding, and I got defensiveness from him. I wish he could understand me better so that I didn't get to the point I did today. It sucks for both of us. Anyways, we did patch it up and both resolved to do better next time.

I called the doc and made an appointment to discuss anxiety issues. I'm babysitting my neighbors kids tonight, and DH is at work. Maybe I'll sleep tonight, and DH and I can have a fresh start tomorrow.