What was I thinking? Or was I thinking at all?

I'm not blonde. I just have these spans of arrested development in my life.

Why did it never occur to me before? I'm not cleaning this house for everyone else, I'm doing it because I LIKE THIS HOUSE! I'm the one that found it, and fell it love with the floor plan. It's very close to my dream house, with enough space to move, yet make us be a family. That's what I said I wanted, and I meant it. So now, I'm going to take care of it like it's my dream. Where have I been? I know - thinking that no one appreciates me or the things I do...maybe because I haven't exactly had the right attitude, eh?

I got the front room tidied up today, and it looks wonderful. Ok, the carpet still needs to be cleaned, but I made a short list of little things that need to be done (little chores, like caulking around windows as the house has settled, and touch up painting where shoes have slammed against the wall, etc.). It's a terrific room. I've got a few more ideas on how to decorate it too. I wrote those down as well. I need a new lighting fixture for the dining room, and a few houseplants...and I need to paint the big wall and get some art, etc. for it. It really needs a focal point when you walk in the room. All very doable.

Tomorrow, I'm planning on tackling the office, which is my personal wall. I have a list of functions that has been staring at me for over a year. I DID clean and organize it a year ago, but there are still a few kinks to be worked out - namely controlling all the paper and clutter. So it needs to be done again. All very doable while adding laundry and entertaining a 4 year old to the list. Yikes, bills need to be paid too. That always depresses me, but I haven't been running thru money so much this month. Hopefully I won't feel pressure and guilt if when we've overspent again.

I need to call BIL and get this business on the move. I'm the one that wants it, so he'll just have to put up with my nagging. Maybe he shouldn't have offered it me if he didn't want to hear about it, eh? I do't have to be so "nice" where money is concerned. He's not. Especially when he ignores me.

I managed to choose to color my hair again - BEFORE other people can see how grey it is. Felt good to "maintain" instead of hurry up and cover my embarassment. The two weeks of staring in the mirror and feeling ugly won't be missed either. I did think about starting a food diary - and I may even get to it this week, but not today. The weather was funky, so no exercise, but I did ask for a bike for my birthday. I think it would be fun to ride around with (and without) the kids. The exercise would be good for me, too.

This daily writing, while difficult, is working for me. Forcing me to pay attention to myself and what I do or don't like is why I did so well in therapy, all those years ago. I'm feeling connected to that old power too. DH knows things are not "the same", but he's still a bit confused. He has a friend who uses him terribly and I told him so today. He got real defensive, and said that "M" was a good friend and would give him the shirt off his back. when I reminded DH that the shirt "M" was wearing was probably DH's, he told me he had it under control. I told DH that while I respect his choices, he would tell me the same thing if I had a "friend" like that. Felt good to stand up for myself, and remind myself why I said something, and not because I think DH is a child that can't make decisions. He can, has, and will, and that's just fine...as long as I can feel comfortable and responsible and free to have my say as well. I do love him.