I'm not blonde. I just have these spans of arrested development in my life.
Why did it never occur to me before? I'm not cleaning this house for everyone else, I'm doing it because I LIKE THIS HOUSE! I'm the one that found it, and fell it love with the floor plan. It's very close to my dream house, with enough space to move, yet make us be a family. That's what I said I wanted, and I meant it. So now, I'm going to take care of it like it's my dream. Where have I been? I know - thinking that no one appreciates me or the things I do...maybe because I haven't exactly had the right attitude, eh?
I got the front room tidied up today, and it looks wonderful. Ok, the carpet still needs to be cleaned, but I made a short list of little things that need to be done (little chores, like caulking around windows as the house has settled, and touch up painting where shoes have slammed against the wall, etc.). It's a terrific room. I've got a few more ideas on how to decorate it too. I wrote those down as well. I need a new lighting fixture for the dining room, and a few houseplants...and I need to paint the big wall and get some art, etc. for it. It really needs a focal point when you walk in the room. All very doable.
Tomorrow, I'm planning on tackling the office, which is my personal wall. I have a list of functions that has been staring at me for over a year. I DID clean and organize it a year ago, but there are still a few kinks to be worked out - namely controlling all the paper and clutter. So it needs to be done again. All very doable while adding laundry and entertaining a 4 year old to the list. Yikes, bills need to be paid too. That always depresses me, but I haven't been running thru money so much this month. Hopefully I won't feel pressure and guilt if when we've overspent again.
I need to call BIL and get this business on the move. I'm the one that wants it, so he'll just have to put up with my nagging. Maybe he shouldn't have offered it me if he didn't want to hear about it, eh? I do't have to be so "nice" where money is concerned. He's not. Especially when he ignores me.
I managed to choose to color my hair again - BEFORE other people can see how grey it is. Felt good to "maintain" instead of hurry up and cover my embarassment. The two weeks of staring in the mirror and feeling ugly won't be missed either. I did think about starting a food diary - and I may even get to it this week, but not today. The weather was funky, so no exercise, but I did ask for a bike for my birthday. I think it would be fun to ride around with (and without) the kids. The exercise would be good for me, too.
This daily writing, while difficult, is working for me. Forcing me to pay attention to myself and what I do or don't like is why I did so well in therapy, all those years ago. I'm feeling connected to that old power too. DH knows things are not "the same", but he's still a bit confused. He has a friend who uses him terribly and I told him so today. He got real defensive, and said that "M" was a good friend and would give him the shirt off his back. when I reminded DH that the shirt "M" was wearing was probably DH's, he told me he had it under control. I told DH that while I respect his choices, he would tell me the same thing if I had a "friend" like that. Felt good to stand up for myself, and remind myself why I said something, and not because I think DH is a child that can't make decisions. He can, has, and will, and that's just fine...as long as I can feel comfortable and responsible and free to have my say as well. I do love him.
2.27.2006
Rainy Days and Mondays....
Did I do anything conciously for me today?
I did take a shower, does that count? I thought about coloring my hair, but I didn't do it. I thought about starting a food diary, but I didn't do that either. It rained most of the day, so I didn't even think about exercising. Oh, I did choose to wear my favorite perfume, for no reason at all other than I like it.
So I did do something for me. Yay.
I did take a shower, does that count? I thought about coloring my hair, but I didn't do it. I thought about starting a food diary, but I didn't do that either. It rained most of the day, so I didn't even think about exercising. Oh, I did choose to wear my favorite perfume, for no reason at all other than I like it.
So I did do something for me. Yay.
2.26.2006
Things I've learned about life from NASCAR
1. A top 5 finish will still keep you in the chase.
Ok, so will a top 10 finish...or any finish for that matter. The point is, keep trying. Everytime I feel a little lost, I promise to continue
2. Sometimes the bad guy wins.
Nope, I'm not a Tony Stewart fan. I can say that I like him more this year than I did last year. Of course, blowing up his engine and coming in dead last today helped a lot. I also love the fact that he talked about how out of shape he was last year, and how he was gonna buy some exercise exquipment with the million bucks he won for the cup championship. It's reassuring to know that a "champion" is using his treadmill to hang shirts on too. 'Cuz there is no way that boy has done a lick of exercise since he last climbed a fence.
3. It's not always the drivers fault.
Ok, so sometimes it is. My real point is that there are lots of people involved in a racing team, and even though it's easy to point fingers at the driver, he's not the only one who can screw up a good day. I need to remember that while I see myself as the family "driver", everything that goes wrong here isn't my responsibility. It isn't even my responsibility to fix what I see as wrong. My kids think nothing of interrupting whatever I might be doing to handle their crisis and I need to teach them that sometimes they're wrong. Blood loss is definitely a priority, but a cheese stick can wait, KWIM?
My youngest came in and tapped me awake at 6:45 this morning. She's four. Her problem? She wanted a toaster waffle for breakfast, and her older brother wouldn't help her (she's not allowed to use appliances without supervision). I came out and found her brother snuggled under HER blankee, watching Scooby. I asked why he didn't help her, and his response? "I just didn't feel like it". It was tough for him today, when he asked to play on the Playstation in my room....because "I just didn't feel like saying yes". Petty? Maybe. Powerful lesson on Karma? I like to think so.
I did find out one thing today. I watch NASCAR because I enjoy it, not because DH had the remote. I don't watch much TV, and it's usually kids or DH's choice, but I actually like watching all the pre-race chatter, and the soap opera that is racing these days. I even like the crashes, but not nearly as much as the males in my house do.
I'm trying to write every day as a way to force myself to think about ME, and what I want. It was interesting today (to me, at least) to hear the guilt in my head about sitting for hours watching TV, and not wanting to leave the house. I didn't completely abandon responsibility, but I did relax a whole lot more. I had to remind myself that this was a concious choice. I wanted to tell myself that I'm lazy, but I kept fighting the urge. It really is OK to like stuff that doesn't "seem" like me, and it's good to give myself some priority. It sounds so obvious, but I am very out of practice with the whole thing. I'd like it to come more naturally.
Ok, so will a top 10 finish...or any finish for that matter. The point is, keep trying. Everytime I feel a little lost, I promise to continue
2. Sometimes the bad guy wins.
Nope, I'm not a Tony Stewart fan. I can say that I like him more this year than I did last year. Of course, blowing up his engine and coming in dead last today helped a lot. I also love the fact that he talked about how out of shape he was last year, and how he was gonna buy some exercise exquipment with the million bucks he won for the cup championship. It's reassuring to know that a "champion" is using his treadmill to hang shirts on too. 'Cuz there is no way that boy has done a lick of exercise since he last climbed a fence.
3. It's not always the drivers fault.
Ok, so sometimes it is. My real point is that there are lots of people involved in a racing team, and even though it's easy to point fingers at the driver, he's not the only one who can screw up a good day. I need to remember that while I see myself as the family "driver", everything that goes wrong here isn't my responsibility. It isn't even my responsibility to fix what I see as wrong. My kids think nothing of interrupting whatever I might be doing to handle their crisis and I need to teach them that sometimes they're wrong. Blood loss is definitely a priority, but a cheese stick can wait, KWIM?
My youngest came in and tapped me awake at 6:45 this morning. She's four. Her problem? She wanted a toaster waffle for breakfast, and her older brother wouldn't help her (she's not allowed to use appliances without supervision). I came out and found her brother snuggled under HER blankee, watching Scooby. I asked why he didn't help her, and his response? "I just didn't feel like it". It was tough for him today, when he asked to play on the Playstation in my room....because "I just didn't feel like saying yes". Petty? Maybe. Powerful lesson on Karma? I like to think so.
I did find out one thing today. I watch NASCAR because I enjoy it, not because DH had the remote. I don't watch much TV, and it's usually kids or DH's choice, but I actually like watching all the pre-race chatter, and the soap opera that is racing these days. I even like the crashes, but not nearly as much as the males in my house do.
I'm trying to write every day as a way to force myself to think about ME, and what I want. It was interesting today (to me, at least) to hear the guilt in my head about sitting for hours watching TV, and not wanting to leave the house. I didn't completely abandon responsibility, but I did relax a whole lot more. I had to remind myself that this was a concious choice. I wanted to tell myself that I'm lazy, but I kept fighting the urge. It really is OK to like stuff that doesn't "seem" like me, and it's good to give myself some priority. It sounds so obvious, but I am very out of practice with the whole thing. I'd like it to come more naturally.
2.25.2006
One reason why I love Dave..
He's my husband. He's a great guy. Everyone loves him.
I tore his head off yesterday. I'm a bitch like that sometimes. Not as bad as say....most of the wives we know, but still. Yep, I was mad at him because he wouldn't go with me and the kids for ice cream. I told him that I was mad at him because my feelings aren't important to him, and that I was trying to have some quality family time goddamnit, and why didn't he appreciate all I do for him?!!
WTF???? When did I turn into my mother? As I was shouting my needs to the rooftops, I was aware that I sounded just like her, except even more unreasonable. And I couldn't stop! Holy Shit, if this is the next phase of my life, let me off this ride NOW! This guy is the best thing that ever happened to me, and he's a zillion percent better than anything else out there, and I'm treating him like he's garbage. It's my own fault too. I should have talked to him about me grieving for FIL, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I think I'm trying to protect him from the pain of his loss, by acting like a crazy hormonal psycho patient. Sounds perfectly logical doesn't it?
So now, I'm pretending that we never fought. Yes, I know better. I need to tell him whats going on with me. We've always been great at talking things out, but I seem to think that I need to try something new.
What I really need to do is stick with what works, and toss out all the stuff that doesn't. So I'll talk when he gets home from work.
Dave's willing to forget everything, just so he can have sex as soon as possible. He's a very agreeable guy.
I tore his head off yesterday. I'm a bitch like that sometimes. Not as bad as say....most of the wives we know, but still. Yep, I was mad at him because he wouldn't go with me and the kids for ice cream. I told him that I was mad at him because my feelings aren't important to him, and that I was trying to have some quality family time goddamnit, and why didn't he appreciate all I do for him?!!
WTF???? When did I turn into my mother? As I was shouting my needs to the rooftops, I was aware that I sounded just like her, except even more unreasonable. And I couldn't stop! Holy Shit, if this is the next phase of my life, let me off this ride NOW! This guy is the best thing that ever happened to me, and he's a zillion percent better than anything else out there, and I'm treating him like he's garbage. It's my own fault too. I should have talked to him about me grieving for FIL, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I think I'm trying to protect him from the pain of his loss, by acting like a crazy hormonal psycho patient. Sounds perfectly logical doesn't it?
So now, I'm pretending that we never fought. Yes, I know better. I need to tell him whats going on with me. We've always been great at talking things out, but I seem to think that I need to try something new.
What I really need to do is stick with what works, and toss out all the stuff that doesn't. So I'll talk when he gets home from work.
Dave's willing to forget everything, just so he can have sex as soon as possible. He's a very agreeable guy.
2.24.2006
The best relatives are the ones you aren't related to...
My SIL just called. You'll figure out pretty quickly how kick-ass amazing she is.
See, my FIL died a few months ago. He had 4 daughters and he adopted my husband. FIL basically abandoned the girls, and adored my hubby. Makes interesting dinner conversation when we all get together. He was sick for a very long time, and I was the one who took care of him, and communicated his condition to the rest of the family. SIL knew and appreciated this, the other girls are too busy with their own lives, and their own father/daughter issues to pay much attention.....until he died that is. It's been especially nasty ever since.
I've been able to ignore most of it, but this week has been my personal brick wall. I was cool and competent throughout the funeral arrangements and such. Packed up his house, found little "remembrance" stuff to send to all the girls, and kept my mouth shut. I was a terriffic helper. I don't feel like doing that anymore, and I miss the hell outta the old guy. We're having some lovely spring weather here, and I keep thinking I should drive over the hill to see him...but he's not there. It's sad, and I know it will pass, but whatever posessed me to just let the others take all the grief? I want mine back, and I want to cry for this man. He was the best thing that ever happened to my husband, and he was terrific with my kids. We got along great, and he knew he could count on me.
Which brings us to Kick Ass SIL. She called tonight, just because she missed me. When I told her how I was feeling, she just let me bawl like a baby, and say shitty stuff about her sisters. Told me she was proud that she was the one I talked to about all this stuff. Offered to fly across country to "sqeeze my guts out" because we both needed a hug.
Then we talked about the important stuff, like my new haircut and her perfect eyebrows.
Everyone needs a relative like that.
See, my FIL died a few months ago. He had 4 daughters and he adopted my husband. FIL basically abandoned the girls, and adored my hubby. Makes interesting dinner conversation when we all get together. He was sick for a very long time, and I was the one who took care of him, and communicated his condition to the rest of the family. SIL knew and appreciated this, the other girls are too busy with their own lives, and their own father/daughter issues to pay much attention.....until he died that is. It's been especially nasty ever since.
I've been able to ignore most of it, but this week has been my personal brick wall. I was cool and competent throughout the funeral arrangements and such. Packed up his house, found little "remembrance" stuff to send to all the girls, and kept my mouth shut. I was a terriffic helper. I don't feel like doing that anymore, and I miss the hell outta the old guy. We're having some lovely spring weather here, and I keep thinking I should drive over the hill to see him...but he's not there. It's sad, and I know it will pass, but whatever posessed me to just let the others take all the grief? I want mine back, and I want to cry for this man. He was the best thing that ever happened to my husband, and he was terrific with my kids. We got along great, and he knew he could count on me.
Which brings us to Kick Ass SIL. She called tonight, just because she missed me. When I told her how I was feeling, she just let me bawl like a baby, and say shitty stuff about her sisters. Told me she was proud that she was the one I talked to about all this stuff. Offered to fly across country to "sqeeze my guts out" because we both needed a hug.
Then we talked about the important stuff, like my new haircut and her perfect eyebrows.
Everyone needs a relative like that.
Have you seen me?
I'm that mom you see...the one who's kids are dressed well, and she looks like hell. I hadn't had a haircut in 8 months, until yesterday. I wear jeans every day, and sensible shoes. I used to be "cute", now I'm just tired. So tired I can't bother to put on makeup, except when I take the kids to the pediatrician. I haven't been out with my husband alone in a year. I don't even own a pair of high heels anymore, and I'm sure I'd bitch about how uncomfortable they were if I DID have them.
Know what? I hate myself most of the time. I'm not as fantastic at this mothering thing as I was when I worked in an office. I frequently get pissed off, and frustrated at this job. I'd LOVE a three week vacation...for the first two days at least. I'm fat too. Not so fat that I'd give up eating pasta and chocolate, but I'd better start thinking about it. I look like your average american tourist(er)...the big one.
My life is the one I always dreamed of: Bright, attractive kids, a loving husband, and out of the rat race of a paycheck job.
So why am I so freakin' unhappy with myself? And who am I anyways? I can tell you my kids and husbands favorite TV shows, colors, dinner menu's, vacation spots, clothing lines. I don't know what mine are anymore. I'm going to find out though. It's going to shake things up around here when I do, too. Wanna watch?
Know what? I hate myself most of the time. I'm not as fantastic at this mothering thing as I was when I worked in an office. I frequently get pissed off, and frustrated at this job. I'd LOVE a three week vacation...for the first two days at least. I'm fat too. Not so fat that I'd give up eating pasta and chocolate, but I'd better start thinking about it. I look like your average american tourist(er)...the big one.
My life is the one I always dreamed of: Bright, attractive kids, a loving husband, and out of the rat race of a paycheck job.
So why am I so freakin' unhappy with myself? And who am I anyways? I can tell you my kids and husbands favorite TV shows, colors, dinner menu's, vacation spots, clothing lines. I don't know what mine are anymore. I'm going to find out though. It's going to shake things up around here when I do, too. Wanna watch?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
