Not only did I 'survive' my Dad's memorial service...I feel like I triumphed! No, it wasn't a contest...I just didn't let the negative stuff win. It was important to me to model the most appropriate behavior, both for my kids AND for myself.
Yes, my step-sister was irritating as fuck, but I didn't say a mean word to her. I was able to give my eulogy, and it was good. Good to say the truth without insulting anyone...good to have people acknowledge that I knew things about my father that they didn't know. Good to speak clearly to my brothers about how I saw things, and that there was room for them to disagree, but I wasn't changing my opinion. Yes, I was proud of me. When you consider all the routes I could have taken, all the things I could have done that would allow me to continue to beat myself up...well, I'm just proud of me!
2.20.2011
2.06.2011
Watching my Dad....
The summer David and I were married, he had skin cancer....I wasn't suprised at all. He was a red haired,blue-eyed white guy from Oregon. He lived in Palm Springs, and golfed three or four times a week. If facebook had existed then, I would have described our relationship as "it's complicated". He went thru chemo and radiation because he had always wanted to walk me down the aisle. He adored the man I married, and while I was a bit jealous of that, I loved getting to know him better.
He came to see my son when he was born. Such a proud grandpa! Full of compliments about my mothering skills, and what a great husband I had....maybe there actually was a relationship here? A year later, another son...this one was the apple of his eye...I even named him after my father's father.
When my daughter was born three years later...there he was. Sure that Hope was the most beautiful girl ever born...as beautiful as I was, he said! I never knew he thought that! He played with the boys and sang to my girl, and wanted to just talk to me....he apologized for his own mistakes as a parent, and while I couldn't forgive him, I truly appreciated the effort and honesty. He said they found some more cancer...in his lymph glands...and I started to prepare for the worst.
He called and told me he had a bit of surgery to remove the cancer, and that he was doing great! I was happy for him, because he seemed so afraid of dying. As a kid, I thought he wasn't afraid of anything...so the vulnerability suprised me a bit. When I saw him at my daughter's first birthday, he looked like he had been sick...and told me that he was well. I was just happy that whatever kind of parent he was to me, my kids loved him, and he was doing everything I thought a grandpa should...and I didn't need a parent anymore, just a friend.
We took the kids to Disneyland last year.....and he met us for dinner. He told me that his hip and back hurt all the time....and I told him to go to the doctor. I told him maybe he fractured something, as he was 80 years old, and that could happen. I knew it wasn't a fracture though...my Dad grew up on a dairy, and hardly a day goes by where he doesn't have a bowl of ice cream...calcium was NOT an issue.
So, he went to the doctor...and found out that he had bone cancer. He called and told me and told me he planned to fight it again. I believed him. He took chemo that made him so ill he could barely walk. He complained to me about how much the drugs cost - I told him that I couldn't think of anything better to spend lots of money on. He changed to an even more expensive chemo and we repeated the same conversation. He felt better, even did a little gardening.
Then, a phone call on a Monday night. His wife said "The doctor said I should call you - he's in the hospital"....so I came. I drove 400 miles faster than I ever had before. By the time I got there, he had already had 4 transfusions and been released from the hospital. I wondered why I hurried, almost sure that he had won another skirmish. The Oncologist called that night. Dad overheard the doc tell my stepmother that he had done all he could and that we should now call hospice. My dad cried. I tried to keep believing, telling him that hospice can last for months. He agreed with me, but I don't think he believed me.
He asked me to make sure that his legal affairs were in order. I made all the phone calls, and prepared meals while he napped and tried to gain the strength he needed to make one more doctors office visit. He ate, and asked for more ice cream. I sat in the exam room with him while Dr. Saab repeated his medical history like a litany " Three types of cancer within the past 15 years, and a current diagnosis of multiple myeloma, for which there is no cure...." And I looked at my Dad. Strong but shaken. We teared up a little, but not too much. We accepted the referrals, and said goodbye to the office staff. It felt so surreal. I went to the grocery store and made another meal for him, along with a dish of ice cream.
We met with nurses, and caseworkers. I thought he was getting good care...so I made plans to return to my "normal life" with a promise to visit with the kids in a week or so.
Then the phone calls started. Monday - my stepsister called and told me that she wasn't going to let her mother die trying to take care of my dad...left as a message on my voicemail. I first heard it driving home from work. I was so devastated, I pulled over to the side of the road, and called my husband....for the next half hour, all I could do was react. I called my sister and another cousin and tattled about my dumbass stepsister. They cooed and coddled me and righteously agreed with me.
Tuesday - they told me that they were firing the hospice group and going with one my stepsister had heard about. I was pissed....because I didn't know who any of those people were, and I wanted to make sure Dad was getting cared for. I imagined them keeping him doped up on morphine and wasting away. I talked to my husband.
Wednesday - they told me that they weren't able to care for my Dad and needed some help. Mary told me that her nephew would come and be his nursemaid. I cried at work again. She called me later that afternoon to say that her nephew couldn't come after all. David immediately volunteered. I told her he would be there on Thursday.
Thursday - We had plans to fly David down there, and I would follow after he told me what was actually going on. My brother called me a bitch in a text, and I got another phone call, from Linda....she said he was even weaker today and that he was going downhill fast. I left work at 10am, and cried all the way home. We packed up the car, pulled the kids out of school, and drove 400 miles again.
When I got there, he had been thrashing and trying to get out of bed. He was sleeping and drugged, and I put my arms around him and told him it was OK, that I was here. He calmed down, and went back to sleep. The nurse came, and David sent me to bed with the words "Your Dad and I are going to watch SportsCenter together"...nevermind that he was unconscious. I went to bed, and David sat with him until 5am.
On Friday, the attendant came. She bathed and shaved him while I had my coffee. I came and stood around while the nurse checked his vital signs. Her name was Ruby and she told me that he was dying. She showed me the clues: blue fingernails, mottled skin on his feet....she showed me how to move him up in his bed so that he could breathe easier. She gave him an enema so that he was more comfortable...sounds weird, but it was true. She didn't make me feel embarassed that I had never seen him naked and didn't want to now either. I went in and out of the room as I felt comfortable, and she answered every question. Ruby also talked to Dad and treated him as a person. She told me to talk to him. I knew that, but it still made it easier. I told him I loved him and that it was OK to go.
After spending all that time with him, I knew he needed nursing care. Mary and I made phone calls, and she agreed to come and look at the nearest convalescent home. I went with her. I saw her shock when she realized this is where her husband would die. I was the "expert" here, having been through it with my Father In Law 5 years ago. She agreed to have him moved. I was relived, that he would have more people like Ruby around...
Ruby was in the office when the transport call came. She told them that he needed to be assesed before he could be moved. So Ruby was back in the room with my Dad. He would have loved her, if he knew her. She took his vital signs again and told me that he could not be moved, because he was "actively dying". We talked about what that meant and she showed me some more signs. She called in and asked for continuous care, so that we would have an LVN or RN there 24/7 until he died. I told her thank you and she gave report to the next nurse.
I went to the store to buy stuff for dinner. I was struck by the sunset - a gorgeous pink and gold, one of the nicest I've seen in a long time. I knew it was for Dad. I called my sister and told her it was near. I talked to my friend Marnie about everything but my Dad....and I drove back to the house.
I walked in thru the garage, and stopped in his room. I told him I was here, and that I loved him. The new nurse, Gail, commented on how he responded to me. His breathing changed...longer pauses between breaths. I thought it was just his apnea, and went to the kitchen. The nurse yelled down the the hall "MARY!! MARY! Come Quick!!!! So we did....and he was gone.
He came to see my son when he was born. Such a proud grandpa! Full of compliments about my mothering skills, and what a great husband I had....maybe there actually was a relationship here? A year later, another son...this one was the apple of his eye...I even named him after my father's father.
When my daughter was born three years later...there he was. Sure that Hope was the most beautiful girl ever born...as beautiful as I was, he said! I never knew he thought that! He played with the boys and sang to my girl, and wanted to just talk to me....he apologized for his own mistakes as a parent, and while I couldn't forgive him, I truly appreciated the effort and honesty. He said they found some more cancer...in his lymph glands...and I started to prepare for the worst.
He called and told me he had a bit of surgery to remove the cancer, and that he was doing great! I was happy for him, because he seemed so afraid of dying. As a kid, I thought he wasn't afraid of anything...so the vulnerability suprised me a bit. When I saw him at my daughter's first birthday, he looked like he had been sick...and told me that he was well. I was just happy that whatever kind of parent he was to me, my kids loved him, and he was doing everything I thought a grandpa should...and I didn't need a parent anymore, just a friend.
We took the kids to Disneyland last year.....and he met us for dinner. He told me that his hip and back hurt all the time....and I told him to go to the doctor. I told him maybe he fractured something, as he was 80 years old, and that could happen. I knew it wasn't a fracture though...my Dad grew up on a dairy, and hardly a day goes by where he doesn't have a bowl of ice cream...calcium was NOT an issue.
So, he went to the doctor...and found out that he had bone cancer. He called and told me and told me he planned to fight it again. I believed him. He took chemo that made him so ill he could barely walk. He complained to me about how much the drugs cost - I told him that I couldn't think of anything better to spend lots of money on. He changed to an even more expensive chemo and we repeated the same conversation. He felt better, even did a little gardening.
Then, a phone call on a Monday night. His wife said "The doctor said I should call you - he's in the hospital"....so I came. I drove 400 miles faster than I ever had before. By the time I got there, he had already had 4 transfusions and been released from the hospital. I wondered why I hurried, almost sure that he had won another skirmish. The Oncologist called that night. Dad overheard the doc tell my stepmother that he had done all he could and that we should now call hospice. My dad cried. I tried to keep believing, telling him that hospice can last for months. He agreed with me, but I don't think he believed me.
He asked me to make sure that his legal affairs were in order. I made all the phone calls, and prepared meals while he napped and tried to gain the strength he needed to make one more doctors office visit. He ate, and asked for more ice cream. I sat in the exam room with him while Dr. Saab repeated his medical history like a litany " Three types of cancer within the past 15 years, and a current diagnosis of multiple myeloma, for which there is no cure...." And I looked at my Dad. Strong but shaken. We teared up a little, but not too much. We accepted the referrals, and said goodbye to the office staff. It felt so surreal. I went to the grocery store and made another meal for him, along with a dish of ice cream.
We met with nurses, and caseworkers. I thought he was getting good care...so I made plans to return to my "normal life" with a promise to visit with the kids in a week or so.
Then the phone calls started. Monday - my stepsister called and told me that she wasn't going to let her mother die trying to take care of my dad...left as a message on my voicemail. I first heard it driving home from work. I was so devastated, I pulled over to the side of the road, and called my husband....for the next half hour, all I could do was react. I called my sister and another cousin and tattled about my dumbass stepsister. They cooed and coddled me and righteously agreed with me.
Tuesday - they told me that they were firing the hospice group and going with one my stepsister had heard about. I was pissed....because I didn't know who any of those people were, and I wanted to make sure Dad was getting cared for. I imagined them keeping him doped up on morphine and wasting away. I talked to my husband.
Wednesday - they told me that they weren't able to care for my Dad and needed some help. Mary told me that her nephew would come and be his nursemaid. I cried at work again. She called me later that afternoon to say that her nephew couldn't come after all. David immediately volunteered. I told her he would be there on Thursday.
Thursday - We had plans to fly David down there, and I would follow after he told me what was actually going on. My brother called me a bitch in a text, and I got another phone call, from Linda....she said he was even weaker today and that he was going downhill fast. I left work at 10am, and cried all the way home. We packed up the car, pulled the kids out of school, and drove 400 miles again.
When I got there, he had been thrashing and trying to get out of bed. He was sleeping and drugged, and I put my arms around him and told him it was OK, that I was here. He calmed down, and went back to sleep. The nurse came, and David sent me to bed with the words "Your Dad and I are going to watch SportsCenter together"...nevermind that he was unconscious. I went to bed, and David sat with him until 5am.
On Friday, the attendant came. She bathed and shaved him while I had my coffee. I came and stood around while the nurse checked his vital signs. Her name was Ruby and she told me that he was dying. She showed me the clues: blue fingernails, mottled skin on his feet....she showed me how to move him up in his bed so that he could breathe easier. She gave him an enema so that he was more comfortable...sounds weird, but it was true. She didn't make me feel embarassed that I had never seen him naked and didn't want to now either. I went in and out of the room as I felt comfortable, and she answered every question. Ruby also talked to Dad and treated him as a person. She told me to talk to him. I knew that, but it still made it easier. I told him I loved him and that it was OK to go.
After spending all that time with him, I knew he needed nursing care. Mary and I made phone calls, and she agreed to come and look at the nearest convalescent home. I went with her. I saw her shock when she realized this is where her husband would die. I was the "expert" here, having been through it with my Father In Law 5 years ago. She agreed to have him moved. I was relived, that he would have more people like Ruby around...
Ruby was in the office when the transport call came. She told them that he needed to be assesed before he could be moved. So Ruby was back in the room with my Dad. He would have loved her, if he knew her. She took his vital signs again and told me that he could not be moved, because he was "actively dying". We talked about what that meant and she showed me some more signs. She called in and asked for continuous care, so that we would have an LVN or RN there 24/7 until he died. I told her thank you and she gave report to the next nurse.
I went to the store to buy stuff for dinner. I was struck by the sunset - a gorgeous pink and gold, one of the nicest I've seen in a long time. I knew it was for Dad. I called my sister and told her it was near. I talked to my friend Marnie about everything but my Dad....and I drove back to the house.
I walked in thru the garage, and stopped in his room. I told him I was here, and that I loved him. The new nurse, Gail, commented on how he responded to me. His breathing changed...longer pauses between breaths. I thought it was just his apnea, and went to the kitchen. The nurse yelled down the the hall "MARY!! MARY! Come Quick!!!! So we did....and he was gone.
9.11.2010
I Remember
I choose to remember.
The growing horror as I watched unbelievable destruction unfold
The sorrow as I came to realize how many lives were lost that day
The awareness that I was not safe, even 3000 miles away from the plane crash sites.
The realization that life would never, ever be the same
Those who ran towards the destruction to help those in need.
Rudy Giuliani saying "We've been hit. Hit hard. How hard, we don't yet know. The loss of life... is greater than any of us can possibly bear"...
I spent most of the day after hearing the news in bed, fighting contractions during my 22nd week of pregnancy, and trying to relax. I called the doctor to see if I should come in, and was told "Jill, you can't come here.....you have to go to San Francisco, we don't have a NICU here, and your baby is not really viable at this stage"....and with those words came my own resolution that I could not bear to have even one more person die that day. I cried a little, and then shut the TV off - not because I didn't want to know what was going on, not because I didn't care, but because I had a chance to save a life, and it seemed like the very best thing I could do to honor those who lost theirs.
Over the course of the next few weeks, David and I talked a lot about what it felt like that day....to have lost all hope, even if it was just for a few hours, or a few days. We agreed that the feeling of hopelessness was unimaginable in either of our lives up to that point. We also agreed that we didn't ever want to have that experience again. So, on December 26th, at 4am, Hope was born. We hold Hope in our arms each and every day, and know that Hope can never be taken for granted again.
7.01.2010
the art of esteem
"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions ofothers, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth." KatherineMansfield
Wow...that's an awesome quote!
I'm spending this time off trying to rebuild self-esteem that has hit a new low. I am regularly crushed by my own negative thinking and even sometimes wonder if I matter at all. I am trying to find a way out of this mess, and have made some baby steps in the right direction. I think spending some time with me, writing down my thoughts can be very helpful, so I'm going to try this blog again.
I looked over my past posts, and still see an unhappy woman, someone who's been unhappy for years and years. I don't quite understand it, because I see the richness and goodness in the things I have in place in my life: Meaningful work, beautiful children, and a partner who loves me. There are flaws in all of those things, but that shouldn't prevent me from enjoying my life, and spending at least some of the time happy.
I took a few self-esteem quizzes, and they all tell me that I could use a boost, but they don't seem to express just how terrible I feel. I have days where I am completely disengaged from my husband and kids, and just feel like a total loser, someone who others just don't care about, fat and ugly and well....unworthy! It hurts like hell and I want it to stop.
I tried looking for a new doctor. I thought that maybe if I started to take care of a few medical things, that might put me on the right road.
11.06.2009
Shelly
My friend Shelly died yesterday.
It was completely unexpected, like a sucker punch to the midsection, and I read the news while I sipped a perfect cup of coffee on a lovely fall day before I took my kids to school this morning. My response, after getting my breath back, was to let tears roll down my face until....well, they've still not completely stopped.
My husband referred to Shelly as my "not so imaginary" friend. I've known her for 10 years. TEN YEARS. I've only seen her in person once. I've sent Christmas cards for years, and chatted about everything from apples to Afghanistan with her...on the computer.
Here's what she taught me:
1. Live life just a little louder than you think you should.
2. Stand for something, passionately.
3. Forgive those who don't believe the same as you.
4. Pray - to whatever it is that you believe in.
5. Love as hard as you can, as often as you can, because you won't always get the chance to do it on your own terms.
I spoke to another "not so imaginary friend" today, because we are both so stunned. It was awkward to be so sad, and yet delighted that we finally spoke, and I for one, feel more determined than ever to find a opportunity to meet face to face.
To honor Shelly's memory, I plan to do just that.
It was completely unexpected, like a sucker punch to the midsection, and I read the news while I sipped a perfect cup of coffee on a lovely fall day before I took my kids to school this morning. My response, after getting my breath back, was to let tears roll down my face until....well, they've still not completely stopped.
My husband referred to Shelly as my "not so imaginary" friend. I've known her for 10 years. TEN YEARS. I've only seen her in person once. I've sent Christmas cards for years, and chatted about everything from apples to Afghanistan with her...on the computer.
Here's what she taught me:
1. Live life just a little louder than you think you should.
2. Stand for something, passionately.
3. Forgive those who don't believe the same as you.
4. Pray - to whatever it is that you believe in.
5. Love as hard as you can, as often as you can, because you won't always get the chance to do it on your own terms.
I spoke to another "not so imaginary friend" today, because we are both so stunned. It was awkward to be so sad, and yet delighted that we finally spoke, and I for one, feel more determined than ever to find a opportunity to meet face to face.
To honor Shelly's memory, I plan to do just that.
7.07.2009
Mom, not dear...
I do not want you in my life.
She snail mail bombed me again. I told David last week that I was afraid, really AFRAID that she would show up on our doorstep for Matthew's birthday this week. Matthew is her favorite, after all...David told me she wouldn't dare.
Then the mail arrived.
A package addressed to the kids, nothing for me. Gifts for them, along with a note and a request for letters...about how their summer is going, what they are doing. OUCH that HURTS!!!!!!
She doesn't give a fuck about me. Never has....unless it served a purpose for her own gain.
I am sobbing here, so upset I cannot believe the strength of emotions I am feeling right now.
You cannot have a relationship with my children without having a relationship with me. This is true in every single facet of my children's lives. I know their teachers, their coaches, their friends parents.....all of them. I do not send my children out without knowing where they are going and who they plan to see. Why does my mother think that she can have a relationship with my kids without attempting one with me?
I'm sooo done.
She snail mail bombed me again. I told David last week that I was afraid, really AFRAID that she would show up on our doorstep for Matthew's birthday this week. Matthew is her favorite, after all...David told me she wouldn't dare.
Then the mail arrived.
A package addressed to the kids, nothing for me. Gifts for them, along with a note and a request for letters...about how their summer is going, what they are doing. OUCH that HURTS!!!!!!
She doesn't give a fuck about me. Never has....unless it served a purpose for her own gain.
I am sobbing here, so upset I cannot believe the strength of emotions I am feeling right now.
You cannot have a relationship with my children without having a relationship with me. This is true in every single facet of my children's lives. I know their teachers, their coaches, their friends parents.....all of them. I do not send my children out without knowing where they are going and who they plan to see. Why does my mother think that she can have a relationship with my kids without attempting one with me?
I'm sooo done.
6.29.2009
In defense of marriage
Divorce seems to be a popular topic these days.
A friend told me that another friend of ours had decided to divorce after 15 years of marriage. Then, I saw that one of my favorite writers, Vicki Iovine, is ending her marriage after 20+ years. To put the icing on the cake, I read an article about divorce and why the author thought that marriage was outdated and inappropriate for this day and age...How she had an affair, decided on divorce, and now lots of her friends are doing it too!
Because her "heart didn't lift anymore when he walked in the room" and she "didn't want to do the work to fall in love with him again".
Then I looked at my "not perfect at all " life, and my husband, and my heart lifted. See, I'm one of those people who loves being married. It's probably the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. Marriage is FANTASTIC. Where else can you find the one person who knows you well enough to call you on all your own crap? My hubby makes me better than I would be by myself...because I can't get away with all my delaying, bullshitting stuff.
The history we share....he is the only person I know (including family members) who has been around me this many years. He KNOWS me...and I KNOW him...yet there are still things about him to discover.
I don't understand the "single is better" approach. I don't understand the "my life is happier now that I've moved on from my 25 years of history with this person". What's so wrong with sticking it out thru the not so good times? I've learned so much by doing that, about myself and about the one I love....
It's so difficult to describe the deep emotional satisfaction that comes from knowing who I love and who loves me. I know who to call first, and who will be there when I get home at night. I know who to ask when I want sex. I like being able to tell from the tone of his voice or a quick look at his face what he's feeling. The shorthand of our life together is more like a dance than anything else.
Who else can I be this vulnerable with? When we argue, I always ask myself if I need to be right this time...and sometimes the answer is no.
So, why aren't there any articles celebrating the pleasures of long term commitment? What's so great about serial monogamy instead of actual monogamy?
A friend told me that another friend of ours had decided to divorce after 15 years of marriage. Then, I saw that one of my favorite writers, Vicki Iovine, is ending her marriage after 20+ years. To put the icing on the cake, I read an article about divorce and why the author thought that marriage was outdated and inappropriate for this day and age...How she had an affair, decided on divorce, and now lots of her friends are doing it too!
Because her "heart didn't lift anymore when he walked in the room" and she "didn't want to do the work to fall in love with him again".
Then I looked at my "not perfect at all " life, and my husband, and my heart lifted. See, I'm one of those people who loves being married. It's probably the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. Marriage is FANTASTIC. Where else can you find the one person who knows you well enough to call you on all your own crap? My hubby makes me better than I would be by myself...because I can't get away with all my delaying, bullshitting stuff.
The history we share....he is the only person I know (including family members) who has been around me this many years. He KNOWS me...and I KNOW him...yet there are still things about him to discover.
I don't understand the "single is better" approach. I don't understand the "my life is happier now that I've moved on from my 25 years of history with this person". What's so wrong with sticking it out thru the not so good times? I've learned so much by doing that, about myself and about the one I love....
It's so difficult to describe the deep emotional satisfaction that comes from knowing who I love and who loves me. I know who to call first, and who will be there when I get home at night. I know who to ask when I want sex. I like being able to tell from the tone of his voice or a quick look at his face what he's feeling. The shorthand of our life together is more like a dance than anything else.
Who else can I be this vulnerable with? When we argue, I always ask myself if I need to be right this time...and sometimes the answer is no.
So, why aren't there any articles celebrating the pleasures of long term commitment? What's so great about serial monogamy instead of actual monogamy?
6.25.2009
Day 6, chatty me
Day 5 didn't coun't because I went to work. I had to finish up my end of fiscal year stuff. All done!!!
I've rearranged Hope's room and it looks great! She is happy with her full sized bed and new armoire. I put all of her clothes away this morning, and it looks like it should fit everything nicely. I had to find the right sized storage bins to use as "drawers" on the shelves. Makes it a whole lot easier for her to reach things in the back. Now I need to clear out the gigantic heap in my living room, and organize her toys. This is not going to be fun, but I will feel great when I am done.
DH has taken the boys to see Transformers 2. Hope and I will go get pedicures instead. Can I just bitch a minute and say that so far this morning I have made breakfast (omelets even!) for the whole family, planned the next three nights meals, grocery shopped, organized Hope's closet, done a load of laundry and run two other errands and I have no evidence that DH did anything other than watch the kids while I did it? I am going to be one aggravated woman if this keeps up!
I got a phone call from a friend yesterday. Seems Little League has COMPLETELY spiraled out of control. She needs me to come to court as a witness to get a restraining order against a Mom that offered to "throw down" at a recent game. Honestly? I don't get it....it's baseball for our KIDS...not some parental drama. Should be interesting. I don't know if I am inviting the crazy lady into my life by doing this though....worries me a bit, but not too much. I'll just tell the judge what I saw....
I keep thinking about my other friend who has so clearly dropped me. I wish I could just forget about her completely, but I see her often as I'm driving around town doing my errands. She always looks away if she notices me. I really don't want to be friends with someone who would treat a "friend" like this. I would rather confront and resolve the problem, but I can't see how it would resolve, just escalate. So I am trying to let it go....I wish I was better at it, or I lived in a bigger town where it wasn't in my face so much.
I've rearranged Hope's room and it looks great! She is happy with her full sized bed and new armoire. I put all of her clothes away this morning, and it looks like it should fit everything nicely. I had to find the right sized storage bins to use as "drawers" on the shelves. Makes it a whole lot easier for her to reach things in the back. Now I need to clear out the gigantic heap in my living room, and organize her toys. This is not going to be fun, but I will feel great when I am done.
DH has taken the boys to see Transformers 2. Hope and I will go get pedicures instead. Can I just bitch a minute and say that so far this morning I have made breakfast (omelets even!) for the whole family, planned the next three nights meals, grocery shopped, organized Hope's closet, done a load of laundry and run two other errands and I have no evidence that DH did anything other than watch the kids while I did it? I am going to be one aggravated woman if this keeps up!
I got a phone call from a friend yesterday. Seems Little League has COMPLETELY spiraled out of control. She needs me to come to court as a witness to get a restraining order against a Mom that offered to "throw down" at a recent game. Honestly? I don't get it....it's baseball for our KIDS...not some parental drama. Should be interesting. I don't know if I am inviting the crazy lady into my life by doing this though....worries me a bit, but not too much. I'll just tell the judge what I saw....
I keep thinking about my other friend who has so clearly dropped me. I wish I could just forget about her completely, but I see her often as I'm driving around town doing my errands. She always looks away if she notices me. I really don't want to be friends with someone who would treat a "friend" like this. I would rather confront and resolve the problem, but I can't see how it would resolve, just escalate. So I am trying to let it go....I wish I was better at it, or I lived in a bigger town where it wasn't in my face so much.
6.20.2009
I'm on vacation...ya ya ya ya yeah!
Wow...six weeks in the summer.....
There is so much to do around here! I hope that I accomplish it all AND learn how to relax.
I need to deep clean the house, and find my husband a job, and play with my kids, and maybe take a road trip or two, and there's a wedding...but I'm not sure I'm going yet.
My brother sent me a letter. He actually apologized for his behaviour last year. While I accept his apology, the negative side of me thinks he only did it so that we would come to his son's wedding. And what's so wrong with that?
Now, if I could just sort out my Mom issues...but I really don't want to right now. Is it wrong of me to take as much time as I need? I can't even define clearly what all the problems are, nor which ones are most important to me. This is just gonna have to wait until I want to deal with it. Right now, it's good enough for me. OK?
There is so much to do around here! I hope that I accomplish it all AND learn how to relax.
I need to deep clean the house, and find my husband a job, and play with my kids, and maybe take a road trip or two, and there's a wedding...but I'm not sure I'm going yet.
My brother sent me a letter. He actually apologized for his behaviour last year. While I accept his apology, the negative side of me thinks he only did it so that we would come to his son's wedding. And what's so wrong with that?
Now, if I could just sort out my Mom issues...but I really don't want to right now. Is it wrong of me to take as much time as I need? I can't even define clearly what all the problems are, nor which ones are most important to me. This is just gonna have to wait until I want to deal with it. Right now, it's good enough for me. OK?
6.17.2009
Conquering the reformat...
I haven't had to do this in a while, but I managed to reformat one of my home computers successfully last night. Time consuming, but nothing I couldn't handle. Nice to know that I still have some technical skills.
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