New Rules

In the interest of focusing on behavior and not "attitude"  I present the following rules:

Rules for Joey –

1. Keep your spaces clean – tidy bed area, laundry done
2. Keep your medications and appointments organized – write down  Dr. appointments, keep your pill minder filled with both medications and vitamins.  
3. Complete all chores asked – this will be at least 1-2 each day before spending time on the phone playing games, etc.  
4. Chores and tasks must be completed in a timely manner. 
5. Homework must be completed before due dates.  
6. No electronics between 6-7pm each night – time to be spent interacting with family, helping with dinner, etc. 
7. Must assist in grocery shopping and meal planning a minimum of once a month.  This means cooking at least one entire meal, and grocery shopping with a parent. 
8. You will work to be polite to all family members – if you cannot be polite, you will lose the ability to spend time with friends.   

I actually sent these to him last night - and hate to admit how mad about the whole thing I still am.  I am hopeful that in 5-10 years we can have one of those conversations where he thanks me for being so "tough" on him....

Mothering an 18 year old

So, my precious babies are doing what I always wanted them to do.  Growing up.

I always thought this would be a time of pride in my life, to see them spread their wings and go create interesting, successful lives, knowing they had the full support of their loving parents.

And then there was Joey.

I love him, really I do.  I have also never felt so rejected, unloved, disrespected, hated, and overall despised from anyone in my life.    When I think about all the worry and sacrifice I have made specifically for that child, it cuts me.  Deeply.   I cannot put into words how angry I am that I sacrificed so much for so little.

He's had a tough road - but it is NOTHING compared to what I have seen others go thru.  Yet, you'd think he was raised without parents or food or shelter for the amount of complaining that goes on.   He perpetually relies on his charm to get thru doing the bare minimum at the last minute.   He's all knowing, and doesn't need any instruction or assistance in his life - until the last minute, then expects the entire family to revolve around his immediate needs.   I keep asking myself how he learned this behavior - and I don't have a good answer.

I am angry with him almost all of the time.   I say I don't want to be, but I don't think that he even acknowledges my anger or that I have sufficient justification to be.   It's always someone else's fault.   Or some circumstance that he had no control over - until I point out that he did indeed have control, and with a tiny amount of advance planning, and thoughtfulness, the entire "crisis" could be avoided.
Anyways, I'm miserable about it - I cannot think of anyone in my life that I would tolerate this kind of behavior from.   I would have been long gone (and did leave) when I have had this feeling before.  

The internet says I should expect him to be rude and just ignore it.   Only pay attention to specific behaviors and not attitude.   I keep forgetting this, as he is constantly punching my buttons and trying to upset me.   I can only continue to try.

Dead, not Dead

“There are three deaths. The first is when the body ceases to function. The second is when the body is consigned to the grave. The third is that moment, sometime in the future, when your name is spoken for the last time.”

~ David Eagleman

I know, it seems a pretty heavy statement....but this isn't so much a downer to me as it brings comfort.   As long as I remember my loved ones who have passed, they are not dead.