I Remember

I choose to remember.



The growing horror as I watched unbelievable destruction unfold
The sorrow as I came to realize how many lives were lost that day
The awareness that I was not safe, even 3000 miles away from the plane crash sites.
The realization that life would never, ever be the same
Those who ran towards the destruction to help those in need.
Rudy Giuliani saying "We've been hit. Hit hard. How hard, we don't yet know. The loss of life... is greater than any of us can possibly bear"...


I spent most of the day after hearing the news in bed, fighting contractions during my 22nd week of pregnancy, and trying to relax. I called the doctor to see if I should come in, and was told "Jill, you can't come here.....you have to go to San Francisco, we don't have a NICU here, and your baby is not really viable at this stage"....and with those words came my own resolution that I could not bear to have even one more person die that day. I cried a little, and then shut the TV off - not because I didn't want to know what was going on, not because I didn't care, but because I had a chance to save a life, and it seemed like the very best thing I could do to honor those who lost theirs.



Over the course of the next few weeks, David and I talked a lot about what it felt like that day....to have lost all hope, even if it was just for a few hours, or a few days. We agreed that the feeling of hopelessness was unimaginable in either of our lives up to that point. We also agreed that we didn't ever want to have that experience again. So, on December 26th, at 4am, Hope was born. We hold Hope in our arms each and every day, and know that Hope can never be taken for granted again.

the art of esteem

"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions ofothers, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth." KatherineMansfield

Wow...that's an awesome quote!

I'm spending this time off trying to rebuild self-esteem that has hit a new low. I am regularly crushed by my own negative thinking and even sometimes wonder if I matter at all. I am trying to find a way out of this mess, and have made some baby steps in the right direction. I think spending some time with me, writing down my thoughts can be very helpful, so I'm going to try this blog again.

I looked over my past posts, and still see an unhappy woman, someone who's been unhappy for years and years. I don't quite understand it, because I see the richness and goodness in the things I have in place in my life: Meaningful work, beautiful children, and a partner who loves me. There are flaws in all of those things, but that shouldn't prevent me from enjoying my life, and spending at least some of the time happy.

I took a few self-esteem quizzes, and they all tell me that I could use a boost, but they don't seem to express just how terrible I feel. I have days where I am completely disengaged from my husband and kids, and just feel like a total loser, someone who others just don't care about, fat and ugly and well....unworthy! It hurts like hell and I want it to stop.

I tried looking for a new doctor. I thought that maybe if I started to take care of a few medical things, that might put me on the right road.