Crazy MOm

My life has been crazy lately.

Every time I start to write that sentence, I realize just how crazy that statement is. Compared to 90% of the worlds population, I'm doing JUST FINE. I'm feeling a lot of change, and emotional turmoil, and I can't stand it.

I finally got my wish and my mom moved out. Of course she did it in a way that pushed all my childhood abandonment buttons along with all of my mama lioness watching over her cubs buttons SIMULTANEOUSLY. Damn! It's amazing how upsetting it has been.

DH is unemployed, and my job does not make enough money to begin to cover our expenses. What a fantastic time for my mother to leave and take away the small but necessary amount of money she gave me each month. She also gave me only a day's notice...once again, financially leaving me in "panic" mode. She doesn't miss me a bit, she flat out stated that she wanted to get away from my kids (my WONDERFUL kids!), and I know my DH is not her favorite person in the world. So...I'm feeling rejection. Rejection that harks back to my childhood.....when she left me at my Aunt's house for a year with no notice, because she "was worried about your sister going off to college".

It's like the scales have finally fallen from my eyes and I can clearly see all the rejection episodes that I tried so hard not to notice before. I'm overwhelmed by the fact that my own mother doesn't seem to love me, and probably never really has. (seems like a leap, but there are lots of other stories I'm not gonna relive here) It hurts, but I'm no longer surprised by it. Her particular brand of "love" includes alienating her children from each other (a concept I thought only my Father in Law used- spooky eh?). So, I'm unable to talk to one brother (who she moved in with), the other brother isn't speaking to me over a ridiculous argument from last year (I can't do anything about that), and my sister doesn't want to talk about our Mom because she doesn't want to ruin the tenuous relationship that they currently have. So, in my deepest moments of self-pity, I'm an orphan too.

She simply left one morning after telling me about it the night before. My kids were justifiably confused and bereft. I haven't enjoyed cleaning up that little mess, or even attempting to explain that Grandma still loves them...because I can't sell the lie anymore. Can't you just hear me saying "Grandma only loves Grandma honey.... ". It's really sad because her moving in with me in the first place had to do with her not having a job, and me asking her to move in so that she could rebuild financially. Then she had an accident that took years to recover from and then....well once she was done using me, she left, didn't she?

Yep, it hurts, and this is a glorious place to wallow in it. I am so angry at myself for having her in my home for so long. I can't see anything good about her at all right now, and she thinks I'm being "ridiculous". Well, I'm not, I'm just being me. Love it or leave it. Wait...she already did.